September 1st, 2010

Today I was sent to a new home. The zoo had a surplus of monkeys and I got sold to a university psychology lab. The lab director, Professor Adams, says I'll be part of an experiment tomorrow.

September 2nd, 2010

Bad first day at the lab. I was placed in the room with Bobo, a Rhesus monkey. We both saw a bunch of bananas hung from a hook on the ceiling. I jumped as high as I could, but they were out of reach. Bobo had to show off by stacking a few boxes into a staircase to get the bananas. When I tried to get one he refused to share. What a dick.

September 3rd, 2010

Another bad day at the lab. Today some peanuts were given to us via a plastic tube, but for the life of me I couldn’t figure out how. When I tried to climb the tube to find the source of the peanuts I accidently hit a button on the wall, dropping some peanuts. I grabbed them up before Bobo could get any (that dick deserves it for not sharing his bananas!). Then he totally copied me and pressed the button and got his own peanuts. If I wasn't distracted by the peanuts I totally would have figured the button out before Bobo pushed it twenty more times. The female lab assistants were all over him, despite his nasty peanut breath.

September 5th, 2010

I just got back from a day in solitary confinement. We had another experiment, this time requiring us to balance a see-saw by putting balls in buckets. Mr. Smarty-pants figured it out in twenty minutes and got some apples. I got so mad I flung some poop at his stupid face. Professor Adams punished me by locking me in a cage. Meanwhile I could see Bobo in the other room playing Guitar Hero with Professor Adams' cool lab assistant Scott. I hate Bobo.

September 7th, 2010

Ho Ho, Bobo, victory is mine! Professor Adams found my journal and realized I was literate. Suddenly stacking boxes isn't so cool. In fact, the whole experiment has been canceled in order to study my talents. Bobo is being shipped to another lab for medical experimentation.

September 14th, 2010

News of my genius has spread! In fact when the media learned of my basic abilities to communicate and poop throwing skills I was offered my own show on Fox News (Sorry for the cancelation, Glenn Beck. Ha!). Now I get to spew my own ranting and fling poop at my liberal counterpart, some chimpanzee PETA liberated from a lab.