Recently historians in Philadelphia (Benjamin Franklin’s home, if you didn’t know) unearthed the earliest draft of Franklin’s Poor Richard’s Almanack (also known as history’s first book of fortune cookie phrases). The contents of these aphorisms in their original form, unfettered by the shackles of history, may prove too shocking for those who know Franklin as “that guy with the kite” or “the President on the 100 dollar bill.” This is Franklin…..RAW as he was meant to be read:

 “Tis easy to see, hard to foresee. That’s a slogan I plan on using to sell bifocals. Which I totally invented.”

 “Fish and guests stink after four days. You know what else does? Frenchwomen’s vaginas. Hey oh!”

 “We must, indeed, all hang together or, most assuredly, we shall all hang separately. Except for me, I will dress up like Batman and run away.”

 “Time is money. Just ask my favorite prostitute.”


“Three may keep a secret if two of them are dead. That means you, Adams and Jefferson. That girl just fell into the river.  She was clumsy. That’s all that happened. Right? Right?  I thought so.”

 “A good conscious is a continual Christmas. Except for, you know, the Jews.”

 “Who is rich? He that is content. Who is that? Nobody. Also, mo’ money, mo’ problems.”

 “Beauty and Folly are old companions. Plus they offer very reasonable two-for-one rates. Hot stuff.”

 “Diligence is the mother of good luck. Meanwhile, your mother is a whore. And believe me, I would know.”

 “The cat in gloves catches no mice. But is hilarious to watch. Ooh look at him, he’s so confused by the gloves! Screw you cat! I’m Benjamin Franklin!”

 COMING SOON: The Uncensored Jefferson: “We hold these truths to be self-evident, that black women got some big ol’ booties…”