Great. You brought a football to the tailgate. I might throw it around with you. A few times. Maybe. But I'm here to have some drinks and load up on food and hang out with people. That's really the entirety of my plans. I didn't bring my cleats. You see, I came here to watch football. Not play football. Okay? Cool.

Hey, relax with the football, guy! No, I will not play two-hand touch. No, I will definitely not go long. Under any circumstances. If you wanted to play football today, you should have made the team.

Go away, you drunk moron.

Your chili is not famous. It's just not. So stop saying that it is. See everyone here? They all know you. They all enjoy your chili. At least most of them do. Now, see the people one spot over at the other tailgate? I just asked them and they have never heard of you. More importantly, they have never heard of your chili. So there you have it: your chili is not famous.

And, really, it's not that hard to make good chili. You mix a bunch of stuff together. Then you make sure it's spicy. Boom. Good chili. You should really try to find something else in your life to be proud about. Everyone kind of pities you.