5. The Rushin' Roulette
You're so damn horny, you'll literally watch anything to get your release as quickly as possible. Scat-porn? Don't mind if I poo.

TIP: I suppose it's useful if parents are lurking around or before a date (concentrate on dining out, not eating out, you horny b—tard!).


4. The Loosey-Goosey/Ghost Spanking
It's been months since you last had a date, and since you miss physical intimacy so much, you throw your self-respect right out the window, hence the old 'sit-on-your-arm-till-it-goes-numb-then-jerk-off-as-if-it-were-someone-else' routine. You're a pathetic loser, you know that, right?

TIP: Stare into the eyes of a picture of your ex for added effect. She'll come back, you just gotta BELIEVE!


3. Freshly Squeezed Juice
One of those pain for pleasure things; squeezing your cock with one hand, and your balls with the other. Imagine your squeezing some hot girl's boobs – your imagination is your friend, especially if you're doing this, cos chances are, it's gonna be awhile before you see real boobs up close again. Also, you probably have no real friends, anyway.

TIP: NOT ADVISABLE WHEN ANGRY.


2. You Don't Have to Jack Your Clothes Off (To Have a Good Time)
We've all seen American Pie. It's not big, it's not clever, so why bother sticking it in a sock? Let's face it, if you can't find a girlfriend to give you a helping hand, you're certainly not up to doing your own laundry, and guess who ends up cleaning up that sticky situation? That's right, your mother! YOUR MOTHER! You realise you're playing pass the cum with your mum?

TIP: NOT ADVISABLE…EVER.


1. The Pie Man (Tutti Frutti makes me Shooti)
What the f**k is wrong with you? Did you not just read the last one? American Pie isn't real. It never will be.

TIP: Give up on getting a girlfriend, it's just not gonna happen. Ever. On the bright side though, you're gonna build up a mean dumpster-porn collection. Congrats.