Not your father's bi-weekly internet joke article

I love drinking games but I'm finding it so difficult to melt down all these MouseTrap pieces.
-Tom Philip (@tommphilip)
Blood, sweat, and tears is the recipe for success, just as long as you aren't a bartender.
-Lev Novak
I used to waste a lot of money on the lottery, until I realized I'd be better off saving that money, and using it to bribe my boss for a promotion.
-Kevin Corrigan (@kevincorrigan)
My walk home from work is usually painstakingly boring, but yesterday I watched two hobos make love. This portable DVD player is worth every penny.
-Linus Paraprosdokian
The Devil Wears Prada
I dunno, I'm pretty sure the Devil wears Ed Hardy.
-Conor McKeon
I don't travel a lot; but some of my friends do. Needless to say, I need to find a way to kick them off of my basketball team.
-Joe Petro (@Joe_Petro)

I'm not sure if it was "date rape." I mean, we never officially called it a date, but I think it was pretty clear we were going out.
-Jeff Rubin (@BleepBloopJeff)
I went on a date last Saturday with a girl who did impressions. She was pretty good, but I bet her she couldn't do me. Turns out I was right.
-Michael Yong