Though I don’t go online looking for love any more, I do remember the experience quite vividly as it was not too long ago.  When you look at hundreds of profiles, you begin seeing a lot of key phrases repeated over and over again, almost as if one girl copy and pasted her profile from another and just switched a few names around in the process to make it her own.  In no particular order, the following list is of phrases or habits that frequent profiles of online female daters.

 “I love to laugh and smile!”  Am I wrong for thinking this is just stupid as hell to say?  Who the fuck doesn’t like to laugh and when we are smiling it’s usually for a good reason, right?  Sometimes it’s appropriate to state the obvious, other times, it just makes you seem like a moron.  In this particular case, it’s the latter.

 “No dead beats or losers wanted: must have a job and pay your own bills!”  Oh yes, ladies, please admit to everyone that you’ve dated a bunch of losers in the past that you winded up supporting.  This really gives me a great impression of you from the get go, but seriously, if you are that bitter to put it in your profile then it just shows you have had poor judgment in the past and probably at present. 

 The over head camera shot.  Every one wants to look good in their profile picture, but a lot of women have the classic over head shot to try and make their boobs look bigger.  While it certainly may get a gal more viewers, it’s also deceiving.  No need to try and act like you have something you don’t, not every guy wants huge, supple yummy breasts, small ones are fine—if you got it, flaunt it, they say, but if you don’t, just try another pose, sweetheart.

 Profiles with tons of pictures of a woman’s kids and maybe one of herself.  This doesn’t bother me because I have anything against kids, no, it bothers me because you shouldn’t be parading pictures of your children to a bunch of potentially dangerous strangers.  Plus, I’m not dating your kids, lady, so show me what you got and save the pictures of little Susie for when we’re having some cocktails at the bar.

 “Please, help me, are there any good men left out there?!”  Not for you, you whiny broad.  Of course there are good men out there, just like I know there are good women out there, not that I’ve met a ton of them, but they exist.  Why telegraph to any future dater that you are without hope and believe there to be no potential in any man.  Thanks for the credit, ladies.

 “Just looking for friends.”  Then get the hell off of a dating website and go to the park or book store.  I think most women put this on their profiles so every guy they talk to won’t assume they want to get banged right away.

 “No cheaters or liars allowed!”  It’s helpful to put this in a profile because a liar or a cheater would see this and go, ‘oh, I’m not going to cheat on that girl now!’—right?  Nobody wants a liar or someone to cheat on them, so there is no need to go out of your way to prevent it.  A cheater doesn’t give a shit what your profile says, he just wants to nail you and your friends.

 As you can see, it all comes down to the obvious and how it need not be brought up.  I know I need to breathe oxygen to live and I know women love to laugh and smile.  I learned these things early in life, maybe I’m a fast learner, who knows, but ladies, I ask you, if you’re going to say something on a profile, tell us guys something we don’t already know.