If you've ever tried to stay dry when it was raining out, chances are you've used an umbrella. Umbrellas are an extremely clever and useful invention that can yield numerous benefits.

Even though the pros of using an umbrella are numerous, there is one problem that can arise when you're operating said umbrella. That problem is hitting me with your fucking umbrella. Hitting me with your fucking umbrella is a serious issue, as it leads to several inconveniences including pissing me off, irritating me, and making me pissed.

To ameliorate this problem, it is first necessary to understand the relationship you have with an umbrella.

Umbrellas and You

Believe it or not, umbrellas are actually wider than the majority of human torsos. Humans usually have a shoulder span of between 16 and 26 inches, while umbrellas can have widths of up to 54 inches. Simple subtraction will show you that when you're carrying an umbrella, you're actually a wider moving mass than you would be if you were not using an umbrella.

Refer to Figure A to see how an umbrella can be wider than a human:

Figure A

Determining the Problem

Now that we've established the fact that umbrellas are wider than humans, we can focus on determining the problem.

Since you are most likely used to walking without an umbrella, there's a chance you may not be conscious of the expanded overhead mass. When operating an umbrella, it is crucial to realize that you are technically wider than usual. If you don't pay attention to what you're doing and where you're walking when using an umbrella, the expanded overhead mass created by the umbrella may hit me, and this leads to the aforementioned problems of pissing me off, irritating me, and making me pissed.

Avoiding the Umbrella Problem

OK, we've covered the science of an umbrella and we've determined the possible problems that an umbrella can cause. Now it's time to talk about how we can avoid those umbrella problems.

The first step here is to determine if you are in fact using an umbrella.  The best way to do this is to look up. If there's an umbrella above your head, chances are you're using an umbrella. But just to be sure, look down at your hands. If one of those hands is holding an umbrella then it's almost certain that an umbrella is in use.

The next step is to remember that un umbrella is wider than you are, therefore you have to compensate by paying attention to what you're doing and where you're walking. This way you can use your eyes and  your depth perception to avoid hitting me with your fucking umbrella.

Finally, don't hit me with your fucking umbrella. This is the most crucial step of all, because if you can master not hitting me with your fucking umbrella, then there's a near 100% chance that you won't hit me with your fucking umbrella. This will allow you to avoid the issues of pissing me off, irritating me, and making me pissed.

All of this may seem complicated and difficult to master, but I promise you that with some determination and a little practice, you'll be not hitting me with your fucking umbrella in no time.

Good Luck!