Midterms are upon us and finals will be here before too long. You'll go down to the local coffeeshop for some caffeine and Wi-Fi to research your final project, only to find you connection is slow because the following assholes are using up the Internet.

1. The Pirate

This is the guy with the Pirate Bay sticker on the back of his laptop. He's downloading an entire summer's worth of blockbusters in high def. Despite his public show of support for file sharing, his fear of the RIAA and MPAA leads him to use only public Wi-Fi connections.

2. The Creepy Guy In The Corner

This is the guy that sits in the dark corner wearing suspiciously stained sweatpants and leers at the female baristas. He is constantly moving his laptop screen to avoid letting anyone see he's looking at porn. Stays around all day or until he forgets to mute the RedTube video to Teen Screamers 7.


3. Citizen "Journalist"

An unemployed social activist living off his girlfriend and spending his days updating his blog to "expose the truth THEY and their mainstream media cabal don't want you to know". Blog consists entirely of links to stories from the AP and CNN.


4. Study Group

While appearing to have a legitimate reason to be there, the study group consist of about a dozen people, one of which is doing all the work and the other 11 are chatting on Facebook with other friends about how bored they are.


5. Homeless Guy

Despite having no steady income to speak of, this vagrant has managed to buy himself a refurbished Mac. Spends five minutes a day looking for a real job, the rest of the day trolling the internet and using Google Street View to scout new areas to collect cans.

6. Hipster Uploading Photographs

A hipster art student of indeterminate year in college who is uploading several hundred ironic pictures of themselves at concerts to bands no one has heard of as part of their "Ironic Me" series of self portraits.


7. Procrastinating Writer

This budding screenwriter/poet/novelist/playwright is there to do research for their magnum opus, which consists of one empty Word document and over fifteen tabs on their browser for Wikipedia, TV Tropes, Facebook, Twitter, YouTube, Digg and Reddit.