I just finsihed a lenghty study sesh, and I have some commentary on lyrics. I rarely log into my facebook anymore, because my family + my mom has one. (Yes, she has a goddamn Facebook. Who the fuck gave my 50 year old mother clearance to create a Facebook account? I don’t know, but I’d like to gouge their eyes out with a mechanical pencil. This is the new ‘my mom wears my clothes!’. )

ANYWAY. I logged in today, and my 14 year old cousin updated her status with lyrics from “Love The Way You Lie” by Eminem and Rihanna…

I’ll tell you why that bothered me: Sometimes I like to imagine the lyrics of certain songs as if they were literal. This causes the song take on a whole new meaning for me and will often help to get a really catchy song out of my head…or make it disturbing.

Take “The Way You Die Lie” for instance. Let’s break it down, with my commentary:

“Just gonna stand there and watch me burn”

Okay, that’s straightforward enough and a logical question, you fucking asshole. "I’m burning, as in 'I am literally on fire', put me out. Now. I cannot believe I have to waste time asking you ahaha! But whatever, baby. I’m over it, just HELP ME."

“But that’s alright because I like the way it hurts”

WHAT!? No.

“Just gonna stand there and hear me cry”

Well, OBVIOUSLY. He’s enough of a dick to let you BE CONSUMED BY FUCKING FLAMES, I’m pretty sure he doesn’t give a fuck if you cry, you dumb bitch. Clearly, emoting doesn’t stir anything inside the beast. Besides, I have a feeling that you like it…

“But that’s alright because I love the way you lie, I love the way you lie,”

See? This masoc…WHAT?? WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN?? I don’t think he’s lying. If a man will literally stand and let you be grilled like a fucking turkey burger, then I don’t think he’s lying about how much fuck he does not give. I think, in this case, you can take his stony silence and lack of action as blatant negligence. Find a pool, sister, and put yourself out.

The rest of the song, well…is actually pretty literal. It’s Eminem. Dude doesn’t fuck around, he gets right to the point. And his point usually is: I don’t fuck around.

It's just unfortunate with all that standing and burning and crying and lying, it could have all been prevented with a sprinkler system or a fucking domestic abuse call to 911.

So, next time you decide that some little diatribe of fucking hate would be a cute status update on Facebook? Let’s take things literally, step back, and reconsider.