ERIC: James, I know you’re in there.
JAMES: Stop right there! Don’t come another step, or I’ll blow this guy’s brains out!
ERIC: My name is Eric Anderson. I’m the hostage negotiator.
JAMES: Listen, buddy: I have four hostages and I’m not afraid to waste all of them until I get what I want.
ERIC: Alright then: what do you want?
JAMES: I want a plane filled with gasoline waiting for me at the airport.
ERIC: Fine. We’ll get you a plane. But, in exchange, you have to give me a hostage.
JAMES: Deal. (releases one hostage)
ERIC: Now—what else do you want?
JAMES: I don’t know…I mean, the plane was really the only thing I wanted.
ERIC: Actually, the plane costs four hostages.
JAMES: No, you already said one.
ERIC: Shit. (hitting own head)
ERIC: Well is there anything else you need? There must be something else. What about like…a hotel? For when you land?
JAMES: I don’t know, I mean I was kinda planning on hiding.
ERIC: Right, right, obviously. Ok..well…what about, like, a car? To drive away?
JAMES: Um, I don’t know. I actually have an accomplice there waiting for me
(pause) Eh, okay fine, I’ll take the car.
ERIC: Now is there anything else you need?
JAMES: I don’t think so, no.
ERIC: What about hm….like a suitcase? You have clothes?
JAMES: Yep, got clothes.
ERIC: Clean underwear?
JAMES: (laughs) Yeah.
ERIC: (sighing) Alright, alright. How about do you want like an ipod? For the plane ride?
JAMES: I have an ipod…but, uh, I guess it’s almost out of battery. Well, half way.
ERIC: Great, I have power cord!
JAMES: Um, okay. Fine.
ERIC: I assume there’s nothing else.
JAMES: Yeah, I’m set. I’m gonna kill this hostage and head out.
POLICE CHIEF FROM DOWNSTAIRS: Eric! How’s it going up there?!
ERIC: Going fine chief! (To James) C’mon man, isn’t there anything else you need? What about like a TV? Like a big screen TV?
JAMES: Eh…I watch most stuff on my computer these days.
ERIC: Even sports?
JAMES: Well, no, obviously not sports.
[Hostage screaming under tape, James rips tape off his face]
HOSTAGE: Remember earlier you were saying how you wanted the code?
JAMES: What are you talking about?
HOSTAGE: When you first held this bank up…you said…like, “I want the code to the vault!” I think you screamed it.
JAMES: Oh right right right. Yeah, to get everyone scared.
HOSTAGE: Well what about that? Do you want that?
JAMES: Well, I mean, he’s obviously not gonna give me that.
HOSTAGE: Well, you might as well ask.
JAMES: (deep sigh, then turns to Eric) Could you give me the code to the vault?
ERIC: Absolutely not.
JAMES: (to Hostage) See.
HOSTAGE: Okay, well, I was just thinking of things you wanted.
[10 minute pause]
ERIC: Would it be too much to ask if I could come along?
JAMES: No! To be honest, I was just thinking that exact thought.
HOSTAGE: Me too!
JAMES: Alright, let’s go then! We got a flight to catch!
ERIC: California, here we come!
JAMES: We’re going to Miami.
ERIC: Yeah I know, I was just saying California for the effect. Or something. I don’t know.
JAMES: You’re weird.
ERIC: (shaking head) I know, I know.