ERIC: James, I know you’re in there.

JAMES: Stop right there! Don’t come another step, or I’ll blow this guy’s brains out!

ERIC: My name is Eric Anderson. I’m the hostage negotiator.

JAMES: Listen, buddy: I have four hostages and I’m not afraid to waste all of them until I get what I want.

ERIC: Alright then: what do you want?

JAMES: I want a plane filled with gasoline waiting for me at the airport.

ERIC: Fine. We’ll get you a plane. But, in exchange, you have to give me a hostage.

JAMES: Deal. (releases one hostage)

ERIC: Now—what else do you want?

JAMES: I don’t know…I mean, the plane was really the only thing I wanted.

ERIC: Actually, the plane costs four hostages.

JAMES: No, you already said one.

ERIC: Shit. (hitting own head)

JAMES: Sorry…

ERIC: Well is there anything else you need? There must be something else. What about like…a hotel? For when you land?

JAMES: I don’t know, I mean I was kinda planning on hiding.

ERIC: Right, right, obviously. Ok..well…what about, like, a car? To drive away?

JAMES: Um, I don’t know. I actually have an accomplice there waiting for me…

(pause) Eh, okay fine, I’ll take the car.

(gives hostage)

ERIC: Now…is there anything else you need?

JAMES: I don’t think so, no.

ERIC: What about…hm….like a suitcase? You have clothes?

JAMES: Yep, got clothes.

ERIC: Underwear?


ERICClean underwear?

JAMES: (laughs) Yeah.

ERIC: (sighing) Alright, alright. How about…do you want like an ipod? For the plane ride?

JAMES: I have an ipod…but, uh, I guess it’s almost out of battery. Well, half way.

ERIC: Great, I have power cord!

JAMES: Um, okay. Fine.

(gives hostage).

ERIC: I assume there’s nothing else.

JAMES: Yeah, I’m set. I’m gonna kill this hostage and head out.


POLICE CHIEF FROM DOWNSTAIRS: Eric! How’s it going up there?!

ERIC: Going fine chief! (To James) C’mon man, isn’t there anything else you need? What about like a TV? Like a big screen TV?

JAMES: Eh…I watch most stuff on my computer these days.

ERIC: Even sports?

JAMES: Well, no, obviously not sports.

[Hostage screaming under tape, James rips tape off his face]

JAMES: What??

HOSTAGE: Remember earlier you were saying how you wanted the code?

JAMES: What are you talking about?

HOSTAGE: When you first held this bank up…you said…like, “I want the code to the vault!” I think you screamed it.

JAMES: Oh right right right. Yeah, to get everyone scared.

HOSTAGE: Well what about that? Do you want that?

JAMES: Well, I mean, he’s obviously not gonna give me that.

HOSTAGE: Well, you might as well ask.

JAMES: (deep sigh, then turns to Eric) Could you give me the code to the vault?

ERIC: Absolutely not.

JAMES: (to Hostage) See.

HOSTAGE: Okay, well, I was just thinking of things you wanted.

[10 minute pause]

ERIC: Would it be too much to ask if I could come along?

JAMES: No! To be honest, I was just thinking that exact thought.

HOSTAGE: Me too!

JAMES: Alright, let’s go then! We got a flight to catch!

ERIC: California, here we come!

JAMES: We’re going to Miami.

ERIC: Yeah I know, I was just saying California for the effect. Or something. I don’t know.

JAMES: You’re weird.

ERIC: (shaking head) I know, I know.