Lieutenant: What do you think of our chances on the battlefield today, sir?
General: We can’t lose, lieutenant. Our flag is securely placed on the very last line.
Lieutenant: But what about the key vantage points and strategic troop formation?
General: Oh I have no idea. But rest assured the flag is well fortified.
Lieutenant: What is this with the flag? I mean the flag is great and all but I think our priorities should really be on subduing the enemy and advancing our battle plans.
General: No, no. We must protect the flag, or else the dastardly blue army shall win.
Lieutenant: That’s all they’re after? Hell, let’s just give them the damn thing. We can let one flag go; I’m sure we have like a million back home. It will save countless lives.
General: It’s too late. I’ve already had the flag surrounded by hidden bombs.
Lieutenant: Bombs? Are you crazy?
General: It’s the only way to protect it. They probably did the same thing.
Lieutenant: Why do we care about their flag?
General: Because we need it goddamnit!
Lieutenant: What happens if we capture it?
General: Well naturally the battle will promptly conclude, and we will be deemed the victors.
A scout walks into the camp
Scout: A fellow scout found one of the blue team’s captains!
Lieutenant: Fantastic news soldier! Did he kill or capture him?
Scout: Neither. In fact, our man was killed because he was outranked.
Lieutenant: Outranked? So what? Didn’t our man have a weapon of some sort?
Scout: Of course.
Lieutenant: And our scout is the one who initiated the action?
Lieutenant: Then why didn’t he shoot him?
General: Damnit lieutenant you’re brash and I love you for it but you’ll never understand the rules of war.
Scout: What should I do now?
General: Run around the battlefield until you find a bomb.
Scout: Got it.
The scout leaves
Lieutenant: What will he do when he finds a bomb?
General: Well naturally he’ll blow up and die.
Lieutenant: Sir! What good is it to send soldiers to their deaths?
General: When he explodes we’ll know where the bomb is and we’ll send in a miner to defuse it.
Lieutenant: A miner?
General: Yes lieutenant. Miners are the only ones who can defuse bombs. That’s about all they’re good for too; they’re only slightly more competent than the lowly scout.
Lieutenant: So if bomb defusing is so crucial, why are these men with almost no combat training the only people who can do it?
General: Can you defuse a bomb, commander?
Lieutenant: No! That’s precisely the point!
The blue spy walks in
General: Oh shit.
Lieutenant: What is it?
General: It’s the spy! The only person who can destroy me.
Lieutenant: You have twelve years of tactical and weapons training. This guy is wearing a sequined cloak and a monocle. I think you can take care of him.
General: I could have subdued him had I initiated the move, but he saw me first, so I am powerless.
Lieutenant: What? Then let me kill him.
General: Put your weapon down lieutenant. I’m the one he’s after. This is how war works.
The blue spy stabs the General and runs away
Lieutenant: Oh my god! My general!
General: I need. . .you to do me a. . .favor before I. . .pass on.
Lieutenant: Anything sir. Anything.
General: It would bring me great honor. . .if you. . .charge deep into. . .enemy territory. . .
Lieutenant: . . .and avenge your death by winning the battle, establish a good strategic location and ensure a prosperous future for the red country?
General: No. . .no. . .not that. . .I just want you. . .to find. . .their. . .flag.
The general dies