The Secretary

It’s only adult you actually had a conversation with your freshman year and is now your go to for favors on campus. An “In” with The Secretary is an “In” with basically every department on campus. They’ve been in the same position for 20 years, and despite it being the first time you’ve used a copier of such magnitude you seem to know more about it than them. Besides watching clips from the GOP and discretely sneaking games of Mahjong on the computer, they handle anything administrators and professors don’t trust you with (basically everything besides making copies).

The Minor

This young go-getter is receiving better grades in high school than you ever did, scored double what you did on the SATs (somehow), has already declared early-decision for the school you’re attending,  and is for some reason completely obsessed with your community college. How a fourteen year old got the same Work-Study job as you filing for the administration office at your college doesn’t exactly make sense, but neither does the next person on the list.

The Graduate

This person graduated last year, walked, got their diploma, and yet is still working their work study job and grabbing their state funded pay. They now wear more adult looking clothes, as if the simple act of gradating has transformed them over the summer, but you will never forget the “I Love Lamp” shirt and Cheeto dust encrusted sweatpants they used to wear almost every day. They claim they are going on interviews at local businesses, but it’s more likely they are simply clinging on their last thread of irresponsibility with The Pledge.

The Pledge

He’s in The Graduate’s fraternity; it’s actually because of The Graduate that he joined to begin with. While the rest of his pledge class became brothers, he has remained a pledge for three years with no given explanation. His devote support to every charity (and party) that his brothers have arranged over the years has left this poor soul weary. If he’s not chatting it up with The Graduate, he’s in the janitor’s break room napping on the couches with this person…

The Non-Worker

They do anything but work at work. Whether it be sleeping off the all-nighter from last night (studying or partying) or studying for their Biology test in an hour, this person is not there to help you.  The overuse of the “can you get this one for me?” has grown tiresome since they have yet to do any real work in the office, to the point that they have never even met The John Hancock.  

The John Hancock

Most of the work you do involves dropping off or picking up something from this person. You’ve wikipedia’d the title on the door with no luck finding out what their job description is. All you know is every piece of paper that ever goes anywhere needs to be signed by this one person… and they hate you for bringing it to them.