Alright, so we’ve all had those moments. You know, the ones where you bring home a killer piece of trim, strip off your socks and think to yourself, “ooooh yeah, its business time.” Then much to your surprise, something takes a turn for the worst and you find yourself alone, sad, and flaccid – sex fail. Every man will agree with this being alone, sad, and flaccid after what looked to be a steamy session of love-boom can really take a toll on his sexual gall. It’s certainly a top 3 low point in every man’s life.
Others being: giving up on his lifelong dream of owning a muscle car & learning that his father isn’t indestructible. (both terrible, terrible moments)
Suffering from a sex failure is truly an embarrassing moment in a man’s sexual prowess, but as the saying goes “for every man’s failure, rests a good laugh…” or something along that nature. With that said, I’ve recently asked some of my “dudes” to share a few of their most embarrassing boomtangle. Although most agreed, all came with one condition – to remain nameless (and rightfully so.)
So without further ado, I bring to you some of the greatest sex fails this side of the Mississippi. One of them is mine – can you guess which one it is?
Ready, Set, Oooohhhh No!
Awe-inspiringly defined by American Pie and a true classic amongst the world of sex fails, the premature ejaculate has won battle after battle with many men.
Put any of us in a room with a stark-naked Shannon Elizabeth and we’ll most likely reach early retirement, but to blow it that early, I just didn’t think that happened. Well according to one of my homies, watching the above video left him a little reminder to one of his least favorite moments; the premature sex fail.
“One time man…I went back to this girls dorm from P&G’s. Probably the hottest girl I’ve ever met – above and beyond any vagina I could normally conquer (sorry if that offends you – trying to keep it word for word). Everything’s going smooth, man….we’re making out, getting some boob action and then clay…all is fucked
fucked beyond recovery. She dropped the hand down into my man-zone and next thing you know…it’s Niagra Falls meets a tsunami…Everywhere man. Pants still on…Dude, you’ve got no idea. I’ve never apologized more in my life..She hugged me, said it was alright and proceeded to put on Aladin. Took me a while to recover from that…”
Oh Yes Yess WTF You F*cking Asshole!
Sigh…This sex fail really sucks, not to mention how difficult it is to make a recovery. Everything could be going perfect; with the mood just right and her lost within the moment, then BOOM! You went too far south way too fast. The worst part about this Sex fail is that a) you have no control over it and b) you never really know it happens. You just know something terrible just happened.
And the story goes –
“I’ve got one for you kid (referencing me with the term kid douchebag). So it’s our two year anniversary …I took (girlfriend) out to dinner at the Golden Ginza…Everything was awesome. Food was amazing…they even brought out that little pee guy oil thing…that thing gets me every time… But then we go back to the casa for what I intended to be a romantic night of love making…Candles and everything…She was shocked with how “all-out ” I went..Needless to say we start going at it..About ten minutes in..things are getting real heated..So I turn it up a notch in the speed department. Next thing you know I hear “AHHHHHHHHHH WHAT THE F*CK! “ followed by a right hook..I curled over to find my nose bleeding. Dude, I didn’t even know she could hit like that. It was terrible…Definitely a Sex Fail…Don’t tell anyone!”
You're Number 45
This one is almost hard to believe but definitely one for the ages. I can’t even explain it so I’ll just share the story…
“Alright, man… I’m about to share with you something I’m not proud of, but it certainly fits what you need for your article. So I’m at a party in Saugerties and meet this girl..She was alright…nothing special but definitely bone-worthy. So I start working my game and it didn’t take all too long before we were back in some little kids twin sized bed going at it. It should have been a red flag right there man…but I just didn’t think of it. So we finish up…I roll off her…and start cleaning up. Then she looks at me straight in my eyes…and LITERALLY says this “Thanks number 45.” Then she puts on her clothes and walks out…I’ve never felt so cheap, used, and dirty at the same time…I scrubbed thors hammer for about an hour..Sex fail.”
A Striptease for the Ages
This one didn’t actually come from a friend but from YouTube but definitely sex fail worthy…Also, I’ll gladly come out and tell you this is not that happened to me..Watch the video and learn.
Alright so there you have it; a few great sex fails for the ages. Now if you’d like to figure out which sex fail was me, head on over to the Hardknight Facebook page, like the page, and mention “Sex fail” in a comment… If 25 people drop a comment I’ll admit my shameful story over there. You know you want to know which one is mine…
HardKnight Facebook: Click Here