Hey guys, if you're reading this, you're probably baffled as to how all these fantastic girls are taken! "What am I doing wrong?" you may ask yourself, while crying alone in your room. Well cheer up you ugly piece of shit! Here are a few sure-fire tips to get your romantic life started! (According to the general population here.)
Step 1: Be a douchebag. Don't hold back, because this is crucial. Try to talk at an "OMG" volume in public, so that everyone hears your opinions, no matter how retarded they sound! That kid across the dining hall needs to know what you think of the current housing market, and if you know nothing- just fake it! That's the beauty of being a waste of space, flesh, and oxygen! You exist, and there's nothing they can do about it!
Step 2: Wear girl's jeans, or maybe just stop working out entirely. This will ensure that you look as flabby and weak as humanly possible. But, remember to maintain the attitude that you can fight everyone here. You saw UFC once! Those guys don't know shit right? Right! Because you boxed one time when you were 8! If a pro boxer stepped in there, he wouldn't waste his time rolling around on the ground! What the fuck is that shit? And you're basically pro! Stare down everyone you see.
Step 3: If you see a girl you're interested in, that means she's totally into you! When talking to her, make sure you refer to everything she likes as "lame" and point her towards your taste in music, movies, and tampons. It's okay that she's wrong about everything, as long as you talk about your dick a lot, even if it's 4 1/2 inches on a good day (remember how we talked about faking it?)
Step 4: Hygiene. If you take anything away from what I'm saying, it's this: Hygiene is NOT important. Showers? Once a week at most. Brush your teeth? No. Change bed sheets, pillowcases, or towel that you go into the shower with once a week? What is this, Better Homes and Gardens? Remember, there's been an outbreak of bedbugs on campus, so don't tell anyone how it started in your room, because you'll be swarmed by too many girls at once.
Step 5: Do everyone a favor, and try to swim across Lake Ontario: I mean hey, its right there on campus, and you know how to swim. I mean fuck, look at it! You can almost see the other side! And think of all the girls you'll get when you make it across! (You'll totally make it.) And remember, Life jackets are for pussies.