Kanye West / 5.5 Motrin:
You, sir, are have one rough month. I get that you're trying to revamp your image, but it's seriously not working. In order to ease the process, you hired a Media Trainer to help with your interviews, but after your implosion on the Today Show with Matt Lauer, she has now quit. Not only that, but instead of making peace with George W. Bush on national television, you just ended up shooting yourself in the foot with your side comments. Here's the deal, dude: stop talking. That's it. It's truly that simple. We understand that you have some social issues and we're fine with that, but quit talking. No matter how sincere you are trying to be, it always ends up backfiring on ya. If you really feel the need to express yourself with words, then do it in the studio and slap that shit on a record. You're a genius when it comes to music, but an imbecile when it comes to interacting with people, so you need to learn to play to your strength. Think about it like this: you never see Rachel Dratch taking provocative photos trying to convince us that she's hot. She knows she's fugly as hell, so there's no point. The same goes for you trying to convince us that you're not socially retarded. Helpful Hint: Don't apologize to someone years after the fact. That's like me apologizing for slavery. Sure, it's nice and all, but the damage has already been done.
Kate Gosselin / 4 Motrin:
Your show is no longer popular, yet you still seem to expose your kids to the camera 24/7. Well now it seems to have come back to bite you in the butt. Earlier last week it was reported that two of your kids, Alexis and Collin, were expelled from their private school for anger issues. According to an unnamed source, your two exploitations "fought with their peers, called them nasty names and made fun of other kids." Hmmm, I wonder where they get their rage from. It could be from their complete lack of privacy or from their mother who neglects them to promote her book/appear on talk shows/dance on TV/co-host The View. I could be wrong though. They could very well have gotten it from their super-chill and super-dope dad, who seems to worry more about the threads in his Ed Hardy shirt than the state of his kids. But I'm no psychiatrist, I'm just a person with a common sense of values. If I were you, I would take this little incident as a warning sign and a cry for help. Listen to your kids and stop listening to your agent because you are seriously failing as a mother. Helpful Hint: Try spending some time with your kids. If you spent half as much time with them as you do fixing your hair, then they might just end up normal.
Wiz Khalifa / 3.5 Motrin:
You (and 9 of your buddies) were arrested for the possession of roughly 60 grams of weed after the cops could basically smell your tour bus from the state over. Needless to say, you were charged with a felony count of trafficking marijuana, a felony count of maintaining a dwelling/vehicle/place for sale or storage of marijuana and one misdemeanor charge for the possession of drug paraphernalia. In layman's terms, it's illegal to carry around that much weed. Perhaps the best part of this whole story though is that this arrest comes less than a month after you told the whole world that you drop about 10 grand a month on weed and that you recently launched your own line of rolling papers. Now, I'm not a publicist or anything, but that seems like the worst thing to admit to and the best possible way to tip off the police. You might as well just take pictures of your pot farm and tweet about it. At least then you could throw in a couple product shots of your new brand. Oh wait, you already did that never mind then. Helpful Hint: Don't hotbox an entire tour bus when it's parked on a college campus with security guards all around it. It's strictly a numbers game the more security/police guards there are, the more likely you are to get busted. Remember that next time.
Jessica Simpson / 3 Motrin:
You just got engaged to your boyfriend of six months (Eric Johnson) on the wake of your ex-husband's engagement announcement. Sounds like somebody needs some attention. Look, I understand that you're no longer in the spotlight, but can't you try to pretend that you're not a needy little girl for like five minutes? Ever since you fell in the popularity rankings, you've been on a never-ending search for publicity. There is no way that you can convince me that this engagement was planned because if it was, then your idiot boyfriend would not have proposed to you ten days after your ex-husband popped the question to his girlfriend. It's seriously the most ass backwards thing I've ever heard of. There is no reason that you should be engaged right now. None. I know you're not the brightest of chicks, but even you have to know that this is a mistake. Helpful Hint: I'm going to regret saying this, but take a page out of Paris Hilton's book. Her popularity shrank and you don't see her shamelessly tweeting pics of how happy and in love she is. Sure, she may carry cocaine in her purse, but I'm positive that she doesn't do that for the attention.
Farrah Abraham (from Teen Mom) / 2.5 Motrin:
You're planning on moving from your small Iowa town to the big city of Hollywood to become an actress. Seriously? Do you really think think that your fame from 16 and Pregnant and Teen Mom will translate into a successful acting career? Child, please! You're not even the best one on that show. Maci Bookout (the redhead) is much more enjoyable than you and it's recently come out that she is also planning on moving out to Los Angeles and that Taylor Swift is helping her, which means that you now lost any edge that you thought you had. Unless you start dating one of the Lakers, then I doubt that you can top that because I've seen your show and I've seen your face, and let's just say that I wasn't impressed with either. Simply save yourself the trouble and stop this move before it starts. Your only talent is your impressive ability to not take care of your child and that alone will not win you an Oscar or an Emmy (if that's what you're looking for). Helpful Hint: Start taking salsa lessons and try to get on Dancing with the Stars. If fellow teen mom Bristol Palin can get on there, then you definitely have a shot.