Diamond: Of course I knew that Turbo was on the juice. We all did — I mean, c'mon, his name was Turbo, for crying out loud — but when allegations surfaced that Nitro might be supplying him, and even using himself…well, that really rocked my world. I mean, Nitro? Like, no way. No fuckin' way, I said.

Tower: Oh, sure, there was a lot of pressure to perform. From the start, expectations were just through the roof. Comparing us to gladiators? Like that's really helpful. Like the implication that some limp dick PA in a glass box is going to give me a thumbs down and then feed me to the lions if I let some 150 pound chump score on me in Powerball is motivation to compete without some sort of edge.

Lace (#1): Listen, I've had it with this rumor, okay? It's bullshit. Turbo was not on steroids. He just wasn't. I mean, sure, he would trash the dressing room any time someone outjumped him in Skytrack, and yeah, he didn't exactly fill out certain portions of his uniform like he did back when we first started — well, never mind about that. I'm just telling you, he couldn't have been on steroids. No way. I refuse to accept that.

Nitro: Look, people can talk all they want. But the fact is, we worked our asses off to stay in that kind of shape. You think it's tough looking totally ripped in real life? Wait until you're trying to flex through three inches of spray tan and a spandex unitard. But we took pride in our bodies — we'd never sully them with steroids. That shit can make you need to stuff your cup, know what I mean?

Lace (#2): Fuck it, I'll admit it: I was cycling anabolics for awhile. Anyone who says they weren't — who claims they weren't trying anything — is a goddamn liar. Obviously I came along a little later than everyone else, and by then Lace #1 had already shit all over the Lace brand, so I knew I had to do something to gain the rest of the team's respect. If I couldn't compete with Diamond in the cleavage department (like those things didn't have their own "after-market" enhancement!), I could at least pulverize some over-achieving soccer mom's rib cage with a crushing scissor hold during Hang Tough.

Tower: I'm not kidding — there were fucking lions in the basement at that place. I know the producers only got them to mess with us after the zoo down the street had to sell off its Big Cats exhibit to make ends meet, but still.

Turbo: Diamond? Diamond said it was common knowledge that I was on steroids? Oh, she's one to talk. That bitch had more chemicals in her than a suburban meth lab. Man, I'd like to Breakthrough & Conquer her right about now. That whore always had it in for me for some reason, trying to keep me and Lace apart — like it was any of her goddamn business!

Diamond: I told Lace a thousand times that she needed to get out of that toxic relationship. You think you get that many bruises from The Joust? Those pugil sticks are made of foam. Fucking foam. I never saw her get popped in the face once in that game — shit, she's like 6' 3" — so how the hell is she coming to work every week with a black eye? Talk about roid rage. Turbo's another Chris Benoit waiting to happen.

Pro Football Hall of Fame Fullback, Larry Csonka: I don't know what the fuck I was thinking, agreeing to be an analyst on that thing for four years. Christ. What a shit show.