Dear Mr. and Mrs. Schmeckovitz,

I am writing to share with you my feedback on your son's recent English composition. Before I delve into the particulars, let me just say that I have never seen your son respond so enthusiastically to a writing assignment before. I hope that this particular project has finally sparked in him that lifelong love of learning I like to think resides in each of my students. That said, I probably should have been clearer about the assignment itself, since the theme—"How I Spent My Summer Vacation"—was meant to elicit a non-fiction account of (as the name implies) how one spent one's summer vacation. Frankly, I find it difficult to believe that the majority of your son's essay is true in any commonly used sense of the word. The opening passage describing the arrival of the "incredibly large-breasted and obviously horny" pizza delivery woman is, I admit, conceivable, but credibility tends to deteriorate rather abruptly after that, culminating (as you probably recall from the proofreading process) in the scene with the young llama and the police baton that not only stretches the boundaries of plausibility, but very possibly defies a few basic biological precepts. (Which reminds me: You should also be receiving a letter from the science teacher, Mr. Diller, sometime in the next few days.)

But I'm getting ahead of myself. On a positive note, I should compliment Trevor on his evocative use of imagery throughout the text. Having only rarely made use of such literary devices as adjectives and definite articles in his previous school work, I was quite impressed with his measurably improved—if thematically narrow—vocabulary in this writing sample. Frankly, even as an English teacher, I was not aware that there were so many synonyms for "ejaculation." A phrase like "and I proceeded to pump a hot, gooey pearl necklace across Candi's heaving bosom" really paints a picture for the reader. Not a picture appropriate for a freshman year English class, mind you, but a picture nonetheless.

Of course, no amount of stimulating prose (pardon the expression) can fully make up for a simple inability to follow instructions. Despite the topic assignment referenced above, your son failed to make even a single mention of summer—"the slammingly big-boobed and totally horny" redhead from the orgy scene on page two notwithstanding. Though I admire a free spirit and a willingness to think outside the box (or, as Trevor might put it, outside the "hot, wet, bald box"), an aspiring writer must first learn the rules of style and grammar before he can be permitted to break them. Shakespeare may have spelled his own name more than a dozen different ways, but when you have broken the ground that he did, such a point becomes moot. (Incidentally, I was not amused by your son signing his essay with the pseudonym, "Willy Wigglewanker." I understood the underlying reference to the Bard, of course, but thought it immature at best.)

More concerning than Trevor's inability to follow instructions, however, were the accompanying illustrations. Firstly, they were superfluous, as the whole purpose of the assignment was to practice writing. Including a graphical component in order to reach the required page length undermines the entire process. More significantly though, I lost almost a whole period of valuable teaching time last week when I had to spend the entire class arguing with students over who would be assigned Trevor's paper during the peer review process. To prevent a mutiny, in the end I was forced to allow everyone who volunteered to read it, with the exception of the McLatchley boy, who kept insisting he had to go to the bathroom and then trying to bring the paper with him.

To sum up, Mr. and Mrs. Schmeckovitz, while your continued absences from Parent/Teacher Night mean that we have never formally met, if the labels on the photographs included with Trevor's essay are at all accurate, I feel that I now know you better than I could have ever wished. Ever. So if you would be so kind as to ensure your son's careful attention to future writing assignment topics, we can—God willing—hopefully avoid the not insignificant number of cases of emotional and legal duress that have occurred as a result of this particular inattention to detail.


Grammatically Yours,

~Eileen Carbunkle


P.S. Please don't forget to send something in for the bake sale next week—preferably something store-bought.