Now That's What I Call One-Liners! 142

Meat is Self-Defense.
-Andrew Caudill
Buying pants is a lot like watching Honey, I Shrunk the Kids. It's sort of funny the first time they shrink, but every time after that you just get really mad at Rick Moranis.
-Alex Watt
Regrets
They say you regret the things you don't do more than the things you do do. Except when it's in your pants.
-Mayor McCheesy
If Ben Roethlisberger used any more force to get sex, he'd be a Jedi.
-Alex Collins
I saw a homeless person consulting a real estate firm. He told me he was thinking outside the box.
-The NTC
A parent's death hits the youngest child hardest; surely it's no different for Michael Jackson's. That could be a Blanket statement though.
-@WiseguyPictures (@WiseguyPictures)
I can't believe they're banning Four Loko for everyone. They should just ban it for people under 21.
-Kevin Corrigan (@KevinCorrigan)
I ran into my ex-girlfriend today. It didn't go well. Now I need to get my truck fixed.
-Kyle H
Give a fish a fish, and you introduce the concept of slavery to an entire species. Teach a fish to fish, and you make him a mythical, nightmarish murderer feared by his own kind. So maybe just stay away from fish, okay?
-Judd Havinger