Stumbled across the following while perusing Amazon’s “Cyber Week Lightning Deals” today:

Thinking I must be missing something, I clicked on it:

Nope, wasn’t missing anything. It was, indeed, a genuine Do-All Outdoors Professional Single 3/4 Cock Trap.

Holy crap, where to begin.

Firstly, a Do-All Outdoors Professional Single 3/4 Cock Trap? What, exactly, does this “do-all” cock trap do? Besides trap cock, I mean? Frankly, if it doesn’t also fold laundry and make milkshakes (ahem), I think it can hardly be said to “do all.”

Secondly, if you are in the market to trap your cock — and nobody here is judging you if you are — do you really want to do so outdoors? To me — and maybe I’m just old fashioned — but to me, cock trapping is an intimate indoor activity, undertaken with or without your loved ones in the privacy of your own home. Granted, it’s nice to know that when the time comes to trap your cock, you will be doing so in a professional manner, but variables such as inclement weather and peeping Toms make outdoor cock trapping a risky proposition indeed.

Thirdly, if this is merely a Single 3/4 Cock Trap, what other varieties of cock trap am I missing out on? Can I purchase a Double 3/4 cock trap for me and a friend? (A very close friend, naturally.) And what if my cock is larger than average? Must we deal only in fractions, or is integer sizing available as well?

Fourthly, is red really the only color that this cock trap is available in? I tend to associate red with republicans, and while I would never deny any republican the right to trap his cock, I feel like purple would be more appropriate — you know, because it’s the color of oxygen-rich arterial blood.

Fifthly, and finally, how significant is the market for cock traps that Amazon deemed it worth promoting in its coveted Lightning Deals section? Personally — and I speak only for myself here, as implied by said adverbial precursor — but I do not wish to own a cock trap. I don’t care what sort of discount we’re talking about — I simply do not foresee any great need to ever trap my cock. In fact, I am a strong proponent of free range cock, and this cock trap goes against everything I believe in as it pertains to both cocks and trapping them.

Even if I were to own a cock trap — and, again, if you review the previous point, you will see that this is unlikely to happen — I would not buy this cock trap. I’m no cock trapping expert, but based on the picture, this particular cock trap would appear to have far too many metal components with sharp edges to make it the least bit attractive as far as cock trapping is concerned. Personally, I’m looking for a cock trap featuring fewer 90-degree angles made of steel and more rounded corners stuffed with cotton. (That is to say, hypothetically speaking, since I am not, as I believe I have made clear, looking for a cock trap at the moment.)

In any case, I hope that after this calm and lucid discussion concerning the relative advantages and disadvantages of cock trapping, you will take the time to consider the matter more thoughtfully before rushing off to purchase your next heavily discounted cock trap. I realize how enticing such deals can be, but if you’ve learned anything here today, it’s this: I’m getting you a cock trap for Christmas. And you’re going to love it.