If you can read this, keep on doing so.

I gave up on searching for true love, when Google gave me 67 million results.
-Kevin Wong
Automatic flush toilets
God's way of telling me to stop taking pictures of my poop.
-Matt Topic
The moment you know your girlfriend's too big
When you push her in a river and someone else yells "Dam."
-Joe G
I just read last year 4,153,237 people got married. I don't want to start any trouble, but shouldn't that be an even number?
-Greg Hurst
I didn't realize just how ugly I was until I got a hemorrhoid on my face.
-Cock Blockula
Literature can be dangerous. I've seen a story plot, a rhyme scheme, and a novel straight up murder three guys outside an Arby's.
-David Fromstein
If fate is a cruel mistress, does that mean I'm destined to cheat on my wife?
-Greg Berg
People think it's weird that I wear protection while masturbating, but who knows what kind of germs are on the public library's keyboard.
-Drew Cameron
I have fond memories of the boy scouts, but it's funny, I don't remember earning that Star of David merit badge they sewed onto my sleeve.
-Wiseguy Pictures (@WiseguyPictures)