BLACK and ROBINSON'S LEGENDARY HOUSE CUP SCORING SYSTEM:
Letting you know how much you really scored, in terms everyone can understand!
A mathematical dissemination of sex in relation to Harry Potter
by Charles Black and Ryan Robinson
(Level of Hotness) * 2 = (Initial score)
e.g. You have sex with a total 9.
9 * 2 = 18
18 Points for Gryffindor!
She go down on you? Multiply initial score by 1.5!
18 Points for Gryffindor? Now it's 27.
Did you go down on her? Multiply another 1.5 on there.
27 * 1.5 = 40.5
REMEMBER: Multipliers are exponential!
WANING WITH AUDIENCE:
Now, did you wank in front of her? Wanking with Audience earns you a multiplier of 1.2. BUT: Before you calculate the next part of your score. Did she wank herself too? Boost that up to a full 1.4 multiplier.
40.5 * 1.4 = 56.7
THE KINKS: ALL DAY AND ALL OF THE NITE!
Were handcuffs or other kinky items involved? If so, the points add up even more!
The scorer's discretion is best used for this next part, as some people don't consider some things very kinky, but others do. Everyone likes their kinks, and everything has its place in the points system. Even piss.
BASIC LEVEL KINKY: Handcuffs, generic sex toys, etc. = (*2)
NEXT LEVEL KINKY: Ropes, whips, unmentionable devices = (*3)
KINKY-ER: Auto erotic asphyxiation, BDSM = (*4)
KINKY-ER-ER: Bodily functions, other such fetishes = (*5)
and so on. Again, score at discretion.
REMEMBER: This chart is using otherwise generic heterosexual male POV. This does not mean this scoring chart is only to be used by men or straight individuals. More on homosexuality later, that gets its own chart!
POWER IN NUMBERS:
So you're with one girl, right? That's cool. But. Let's posit that perhaps there's another girl involved. What then?
YOU + (2) GIRLS = (*10)
YOU + (3) GIRLS = (*100)
YOU + (4) GIRLS = (*1000)
and so on. Remember: Add an extra zero on the end for every additional party excluding yourself and your initial partner. e.g. If you're in a 10-way (the number includes you and one other), that's 8 zeros. Equalling a multiplier of 100,000,000.
If your partner is aroused by / uses dirty talk from / quotes any facet of pop culture, television series, novel, movie, stageplay or anything else that you have a strong sense of fandom for, Multiply your current score by 5 (because when your girl puts on a Colonial flightsuit from the re-imagined Battlestar Galactica series and screams "frak me, Baltar!" as she climaxes, that's love.)
IF ANY OF THESE ACTS TAKE PLACE IN THE ABSENCE/REPLACEMENT OF SEXUAL INTERCOURSE:
Hotness number of initial partner (in group scenarios, highest rated partner [yeah that's right, you can fuck a 3 and an 11 and still be scored for an 11 with everything times 10!]) is NOT multiplied by two. Situational and Kink multipliers remain, however. Life ain't all about getting your dick wet, after all.
Separate note: WANKING BY YOURSELF equals 1 point. Feel free to total up as desired if you wish to beef up your score. Do not mention this when explaining to your buddies how you received your score. Given how complicated this process is, no one's gonna bug you on 3,247 points coming out of nowhere.
BUT WHAT ABOUT THE OTHER HOUSES, HARRY?
aforementioned acts take place in a science laboratory
Points go to RAVENCLAW!
aforementioned acts take place in a homosexual/bisexual manner
Points go to HUFFLEPUFF!
aforementioned acts take place underground (re: below the common elevation of wherever you are)
Points go to SLYTHERIN!
BUT WHAT IF:
aforementioned acts take place in an underground gay science laboratory (like in Resident Evil)
Points go to DUMBLEDORE!
Dumbledore claims all points where there are gray areas involved. And you fucking know that dude's gonna give those points to Gryffindor!
WANTED: DEAD OR ALIVE:
[[Now for the touchy subject of Necrophilia. If performed in the gravesite itself, points of course go to Slytherin. If necrophilia is between a living and deceased member of the same sex, points go to Hufflepuff. If necrophilia takes place aboveground, no matter the sexual orientation, points go to Ravenclaw (for Science!). Necrophilia earns no multipliers. Please don't mention necrophilia when counting your score to friends.]]
ALL THAT, AND NOW WHAT?:
At the end of all of this, total up your score (if your brain/calculator are still functioning) and compare scores with your friends. Whoever has the highest score (and can show their work) earns the HOUSE CUP.
(The House Cup is a metaphor. However, if an agreement is struck among all participating score-counters to pitch in money for a custom engraving, an actual House Cup trophy will be recognized as legitimate.)
BONUS ROUND: (These points are entirely within speculation)
If the 33 trapped Chilean miners were stuck underground for 69 days at 700 metres below ground:
There's nothing to do down there, perhaps, but masturbate. Wanking earns one point. Let's say each of the trapped miners masturbated 3 times a day (for health benefits/staving off cabin fever).
33 * 3 = 99
99 * 69 = 6,831.
Not only would they be wanking with audience, but others would also be wanking perhaps simultaneously. That counts as a 1.4 multiplier all around.
6,831 * 1.4 = 8933.4
Let's not disregard that mining is pretty kinky. Multiplied by 3!
8933.4 * 3 = 26,800.2
Any sexual activity between the miners is purely speculatory, and we'll not open that can of worms.
Now, they're all guys. So the points go to Hufflepuff, right? I mean, those dudes are all hard workers, I'm sure. But don't forget, this all took place deep underground. So, points go to neither Slytherin or Hufflepuff. They go to Dumbledore, who redistributes them to Gryffindor.
For final scores, always round appropriately. .4 and below is rounded down, .5 and up is rounded up.
Letting the math speak for itself, with our averaged parameters and the points system calculated, our trapped miners scored:
26,800 POINTS FOR GRYFFINDOR!
Now count your score and see how you stack up!