Adam Ruins Everything
Jake and Amir
What You're Saying with Your Winter Footwear
January 31, 2011
Oh my god, have you ever worn these boots? They're like cute sweaters for your feet. And just like sweaters, if they get wet, they turn into a suffocating net of mildew-scented fibers that will never, ever be dry again! But, like, they're so comfy and cute and, you know, worn by celebrities in LA who have no realistic use for cold-weather attire, that I'll keep wearing them even after one puddle turns them into dilapidated booties that look like rotten potatoes. I
Uh, yeah. I've got this. These boots are engineered to withstand arctic temperatures and the terrain of the world's most insufferable regions. People have climbed Mount Everest in these boots. I use them for walking through that one giant puddle in the parking lot on the way to my car. I just walk right through it. You should see how impressed other people are when I do that. Just like,
. Straight through. These boots were definitely a worthwhile purchase.
My mom keeps telling me to buy boots, but, jeez, I'm getting to it. It's only the end of January. The winter just started. In two weeks I'll switch my excuse to, "the winter's almost over." But it's fine. Really. I just wrap my feet in Saran Wrap and then put on two pairs of socks and then put on my sneakers, and then I'm ready to pathetically dance around puddles until I accidentally step in one that's more than 1 inch deep. Then I'm fucked. Just, don't tell my mom, ok?
Yes, galoshes are still a thing. Why do people keep asking me that? They're an entirely respectable footwear choice. They keep my loafers dry and they only look mostly stupid flopping around beneath my slacks. They're really very practical. Like sturdy condoms for your shoes. I mean, wait, that sounds bad. I swear, these aren't lame. My grandpa has worn them for 70 years. He's my best friend.
Are these hiking boots waterproof? I think so? I mean, they don't feel waterproof. My feet are completely soaked, but maybe that's because I accidentally kicked puddle water up into the top of the shoe. It stands to reason that footwear designed for one outdoor activity should be able to handle any outdoor conditions. Right? What do you mean that would undermine the entire L.L. Bean business model? Don't speak ill of L.L. Bean.
If you think a little snow and slush is going to stop me from looking good, think again. I can't feel my toes, but that's actually an improvement because these pumps pinch like hell. Yeah, I fell three times on the way over here and every step requires a series of obnoxious squeals and an elaborate wobbling of my arms in order to maintain some feeling of balance, but my calves look phenomenal.
(But, ugh, don't call me a hipster.)
We like you. Do you like us too?
Don't ask me again.