“MR. PEPPERONI

CLOSE UP on a freshly baked pizza, straight out of the oven. Surrounding shots of ingredients: grated cheese, fresh vegetables and a slab of pepperoni.

 

narrator

For years, Mr. Pepperoni has been your family’s pizza. And why shouldn’t it be…you can always rely on us to provide the freshest ingredients around and cook your pizza to perfection.

 

CUT TO a man dressed in a chef costume with an exaggerated moustache. This is MR. PEPPERONI.

 

mr. pepperoni

Hi, I’m Mr. Pepperoni, the stereotypical Italian owner of Mr. Pepperoni’s Family Pizza! With a surname like that you knew my options were very, very limited!

 

PAN OUT to reveal Mr. Pepperoni serving a pizza to a well-dressed, middle class family. They all smile.

 

mr. pepperoni

 I love a-making pizza for you and your family! But sometimes that just isn’t enough to supplement our income!

 

narrator

Which is why Mr. Pepperoni is very happy to announce THAT WE RECENTLY GOT OUR LIQUOR LICENCE!!!!!

 

 

MUSICCLUB STYLE DANCE MUSIC

 

CUT TO Mr. Pepperoni dancing with six or seven scantily clad ladies, shaking a bottle of champagne. The same family sits at a table between them and as Mr. Pepperoni and his entourage dance freakily they awkwardly smile.

 

mr.pepperoni

I a-tell you what! Whenever you and your family order a large pizza, you get a bottle of wine half price!

 

narrator

Provided everybody in your party is over six years of age.

 

mr. pepperoni

Fine wine not your style? That’s okay. I give-a you a six pack to share with the kids…

 

CUT TO the dad cracking open a case and splitting it amongst his children.

 

mr. pepperoni (V.o.)

Or a vodka twister for mom!

 

CUT TO the mom heavily drinking one of these.

 

mr. Pepperoni

Jello shots for Grandpa, whatever! There’s a something for everybody at Mr. Pepperoni!

 

CUT TO Mr. Pepperoni inside a washroom, playing with the fold up baby changing station.

 

mr. pepperoni

Check out this foldy table thingy! Before to use one of these you had to have a baby! But now thanks to Mr. Pepperoni’s new incredibly lenient drug policy, you can use our foldy table thingies to do cocaine! Ain’t nobody gonna judge-ah you!

 

He gives a thumbs up to the camera, and reveals he’s holding a bag of cocaine, which he begins to spread into neat little lines as the camera lingers on him.

 

CUT TO Mr. Pepperoni walking to the back of his restaurant, until he reaches a booth of the same scantily clad women. He settles himself comfortably among them.

 

mr. pepperoni

Just when you thought things couldn’t get any better, Mr. Pepperoni keeps on a-giving! Don’t ask me how, but I called in a few favours and now Mr. Pepperoni’s has a licence for an escort service. Homestyle Italian cuisine served with some of the friendliest and most willing girls this side of Amsterdam! We’re going to have this place packed to the rafters with bitches twenty-four-seven! Mamma Mia!

 

The MR. PEPPERONI GRAPHIC is superimposed over a fading shot of him messing around with the girls.

 

announcer

Mr. Pepperoni’s Family Pizza. Now featuring a variety of alcoholic beverages, a lenient drug policy and a whole buffet of barely legal women. We also serve salads.

 

mr. pepperoni

Who wants to taste my pepperoni?

 

END