PHIL’S PHANTASTIC PHLICKS

By Michael Lake

 

Summary: Phil is not your ideal video store clerk. 

 

Enter a young couple, SHAUNA and DAVE. They approach Phil behind his counter.

 

phil

Welcome to Phil’s Phantastic Phlicks, where we have a fancy flick for every fun, festive occasion! What can I help you folks with?

 

dave

We were just wondering where we could find “Avatar”.

 

phil

Don’t have it, sorry.

 

dave

Wow, you don’t have any in stock? Pretty popular flick. Can I make a reservation or something? 

 

phil

No, I mean we don’t have it because you’re talking about a made up movie that doesn’t exist…

 

shauna

What? We’re talking about “Avatar”. It came out just last year.

 

phil

No it didn’t. I would have heard of it.

 

Dave

Come on Shauna, I’ve had a long day. Let’s just go rent it somewhere else.

 

shauna

Dave, I think that this guy actually doesn’t know “Avatar”. Come on. “Avatar”! James Cameron! Blue people! Highest grossing movie of all time! If you don’t carry it, you must have at least heard of it!

 

phil

Okay, let me just type this “Avatar” thing into my database of every movie ever made. BEEP BOOP BEEP BOOP BEEP! 0 results!

 

Dave

This guy’s a jerk. Let’s just leave.

 

phil

Wait! I’m sorry, folks. That was rude of me. I’m sorry that I don’t know this “Avatar” flick. But you are welcome to any movie in here, on me.

 

shauna

Do you have “Eat Pray Love”?

 

He shows them a copy of the DVD.

 

phil

Is this what you’re looking for? “Eat Out, Pray, Love”?

 

shauna

Ewww! No!

 

phil

Sorry, did you mean “Eat Pray Muff”?

 

shauna

No! I wanted a Julia Roberts movie, not some hackjob porno flick.

 

dave

C’mon, Shauna, why don’t we just go see a movie? We could catch the new Harry Potter.

 

phil

Well, I have that in stock.

 

dave

What? That’s not even on DVD yet.

 

phil

You mean “Harry Potter and the Deathly Phallus”.

 

shauna

That is sick, you know that? Defiling a beloved series of children’s books and movies!

 

phil

I didn’t know Harry Potter was based on a book. Wow, you learn something new every day. Those must be some filthy-ass kid’s books.

 

shauna

No, they’re not! Just these cheap rip-off porno movies are.

 

phil

They’re not rip-offs! Look, I know there’s some debate that the plotlines are similar to Lord of the C-Rings, but these movies are original!

 

dave

We’re leaving WAIT! Folks. Please, I’m desperate. I bought all of these movies and this store on my own dollar and I have yet to make a sale. Please, please, I need to make a rental sometime soon or I’m going to be forced onto the street. Now, let’s take a look at my Essential Cinema section.  Must-sees.  I’ve got a ton of really good recommendations. This movie I just got is a contemporary classic, it seriously turns everything you though you knew about film upside down. In 3-D. From the man who brought you “Titan-dick”… James Cumron’s “Vulvatar”. 

 

shauna

That’s just the porn rip off of the movie we were talking about earlier!

 

phil

“Vulvatar” is not a rip-off! Okay, maybe some critics have drawn comparisons to “Pantsless with Wolves” or “Poke-me-in-the-face-ahantas”, but it is a well-crafted film!

 

shauna

Um, no thanks. Sounds disgusting.

 

Dave

Well, maybe we wouldn’t mind seeing an older movie. Do you have, like “The Wizard of Oz”?

 

phil

Hmm. We do have “The Jizzard of Oz”.

 

dave

Do you have “Citizen Kane”?

 

 

phil

We’ve got “Citizen Came”. Maybe you folks would probably be more suited for an action flick. But you know, a good action flick before it all became about the booms and explosions.

 

dave

You mean, like “Jaws”?

 

phil

Hmm. We have “Jizz”. You mean the one about the penis that looks like a shark? Very aptly titled.

 

shauna

We’re not watching that.

 

phil

You mean you haven’t seen this? It’s like the original summer blockbuster! They teach screenwriting workshops based on this movie! It’s got like some of the best lines in cinematic history. “We’re going to need a bigger butt.”

 

He rummages through a pile of some videos. 

 

shauna

You are not fit to be running a video store! The only movies you know about are filthy. At least put a sign up in the window or something! Honey, say something.

 

dave

I am going to give him a piece of my mind, Shauna! You wait outside! Get the car started or something.

 

She exits haughtily. Dave looks over his shoulder, then back to Phil. 

 

dave

Whew. Thanks for not blowing my cover, man. I’d like to return these.

 

He pulls a stack of DVDs out of his coat.

 

END