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My girlfriend once told me if I every cheated on her she would squeeze super glue down my pee-hole.


I get a text from my gf saying she has to go into work early, so I decide to go surprise her. When I arrive, she isn't there. I confront her on this and the next day I get sat down by her parents where they tell me I'm paranoid and need to trust her. A week later I find out she's been texting and calling her ex-boyfriend…


Right after we broke up, my ex-girlfriend called to ask how to change her relationship status on facebook.

-John D.

I recently joined an online dating site, and one of my "matches" was my first cousin.


I had sex with my girlfriend… in the butt… my butt.


My girlfriend went through my cellphone and saw a picture of my ex in a bikini (i totally forgot that pic was there) and now hasn't spoken a word to me in 2 days, because it's not her fault for going through my phone, it's my fault for forgetting to delete a picture that's so old.


My boyfriend once shaved my ass. Since then, everytime I say he's a terrible boyfriend he just says "I shaved your ass. I'm awesome. Your argument is invalid."


I call my girlfriend "E3" because she's my third girlfriend and they were all named Emily.


My boyfriend recently changed his facebook language to pirate. He now refuses to acknowledge that we are "in a relationship" but rather insists that we are "sailin' steady" and consistently calls me "Cap'n." I don't mind that so much, but the last time I went down on him he screamed "Arrg! Thar she blows!" when he came. I think he's taking this pirate thing a bit too seriously.


I was having sex with this girl and started getting pretty tired so I asked her to switch and have her move on top. Right when I lay down, she confesses that she's never been on top before and asks, "Do I just sit on it?" I could hear my best friend and his girlfriend in the other room laughing for the next five minutes.