Like a cadre of British Trent Reznors, the winsome foursome Radiohead revealed on Valentine's Day that they would be releasing a brand new album that very Saturday, February 19. Almost immediately, millions across the world flocked to the streets, singing their favorite Radiohead songs at the top of their lungs in their best Novocained-mouth moan. I don't think any of us will soon forget that sight.

That said, in classic Radiohead fashion, the quirky quartet have kept quite mum in the face of an absolute tsunami of questions about The King and his Limbs. To sort out the shit from shinola, I'm gonna get right into it and do my honest best to clear up some of the main questions surrounding the release.

 

What's the dang thing called?

It's called The King of Limbs. Who is this king? Are the limbs he's king of tree limbs? Are they people limbs? Do the limbs recognize him as their king, or is the title self-proclaimed? These are the sort of questions that I don't have time to answer.

 

Word around town's that it's a “newspaper album.” Now truth be told I ain't no Thomas Einstein, but in all my years never have I heard of a “newspaper album.” What is that?

See, newspapers used to be revolutionary because most people had never read most of the words that were in them before, but now, with wireless Google, iPads, and America Online, newspapers are becoming obsolete, and will soon go the way of the dinosaurs: bankrupt. So, too, as the music industry turns more and more from pressing records to making Twitters, the physical album is becoming a relic of the past (as opposed to a relic of the future). Thus, in truth, all albums are newspaper albums, because of metaphors.

 

What songs are gonna be on the album?

Here are what songs are going to be on the album:

Hands To The Sky”

The Doctors”

No No No No”

Lng Lv Th Kng”

Upsetting Fiesta”

Amphibian/Equestrian”

The Generals”

Stymied”

No Way Computer”

Creep 2”

Pinball Wizard” (Live bonus track)

 

And what're they gonna sound like?

Beep boop! Beep buh-boop! Chunga chunga chunga. I don't caaaare for criiiiiisps.

 

How much do I gotta shell out what to get a piece of this musical revolution?

Okay so you can do this two ways, and each of those two ways have two sub-ways. I guess you could do it four ways, technically, but nobody likes a smartass. You can buy the album just as digital for either $9 for MP3s or $14 for WAVs, which are louder. But wait. If you're some kind of high roller, you can shell out a cool $48, get yourself the MP3s (or $53 for the WAVs, which are louder), and, in addition, get the disk on CD, vinyl, and punch card, a 4' by 6' oil painting of the album cover, a box of broken glass, and Colin Greenwood.

 

Were I to be a Chinese, would I be able to purchase this album?

I would love to say yes, but it is with a heavy heart that I say: apparently not. At //thekingoflimbs.com/, the official The King of Limbs fansite, clicking on everywhere but Asia brings you to preorder site, while clicking on Asia just brings you right back to the same dang page.

 

Does that mean that Radiohead hate Asians?

I think we can confidently assume that it does.