Hello. How are you today? Good. Well, that’s fantastic. I’m doing pretty well myself. What? Oh. I’m sorry that your grandmother-oh, I misunderstood-Your whole family died. Oh. Wow. I hope you don’t mind me asking, but, how? Oh, that fire! Oh my God. I thought someone was having a barbecue and then I looked out my window and-hm-I guess I smelled your sister’s burning flesh…wow. I’m sorry, bro.

Above is a one-sided (more like won-sided, because it was so fantastic!) conversation that you, yes, you could be having with your friend at any time! Wow. And I bet your asking yourself: What are friends? Well, sorry about this, but I can’t tell you. It’s something that you’ll have to find out for yourself-like a Disney movie. It’s a long and perilous journey to find someone you can rely on because, and you may see this in your adventures, there are some pretty hardcore fucking cunts out there who would like nothing more to be your friend, only to fucking backstab you. It’s a process one must endure aboard the friendship…get it? Whatever. This is what I’m going to do for you, though. I am going to teach you a couple of the rules of being cool and learning how to get rid of that thing that people mostly fucking hate about your guts. I will give you some pointers and maybe, just maybe, we can best buds sailing the sea of hardcore fucking cunts on our friendship. Are you ready, skipper?

  1. 1.Pick a person, any person, that you believe you would have the slightest compatibility with. Keep in mind that you don’t want to appear as if your stalking him/her, that would just further drive your friendless border farther apart. Look, but don’t be creepy about it. There’s enough of those creeps in the world today, and I’m not advocating being a fucking creeper. All I’m saying  is you kind of want to do it nonchalantly-don’t let them know, until you want them to know. Confusing. Very. Do I get it myself? Yes-in a very confused-esque way. Basically, you need to know what they like to do, and, instead of asking them because that’s for people who are socially-accepted, watch them…closely, yet comfortably. If they catch you staring, it probably would have never worked out and friendship was never in your future with them. Sometimes, when I used (because now I have friends) to get caught, I’d say that I was blind and that I forgot my glasses, along with my cane and dog. It works like a gem. Soon after you tell them this, say you need to go pick up your grandmother from the hospital. This is a sure guilt trip, which will make them feel bad. Who cares if they question your driving ability? Just accuse them of racism. That’ll do the trick.
  2. 2.Assuming that Step 1 went smoothly, you are now ready for Step 2. This is Step 2. Great job on finding it. Now, with the collected information from your previous not-stalking, show up to activities that your future friend is interested in. Even if you don’t know just what the fuck they are doing, how to play, or what to fucking say, do your best to blend in. Be part of the group. Remember there’s no “I” in teamwork, nor is there a fucking “U”, so, even though the spelling of the word might ruin some success, fight the spelling, and contribute. It’s also a good point to dress like the person you want to associate with, that way there will be more in common than he or she thinks. You could pass it off as mere coincidence that you’re both wearing matching sweatpants and in the exact same club, but, both you and I know, it’s no fucking coincidence. You are now building the bridge to successfully accomplishing friendship. Fuck. I forgot I was using the ship metaphor. Onto Step 3, matey!
  3. 3.Draw attention. There I said it. Attention attract like that motherfucking attention whore you are! It’s your time to shine, man (or woman). Use those acting skills to ham it up, drawing attention to the great things you are doing (even though it is quite possible that you have no fucking idea what is going on). Make a scene. You want the fame only to let your name get around, especially to the almost-future friend you are trying to obtain. Remember: bad attention (like being called a “cock-sucking douche bag” in front of your classmates) is still attention none the less. Who knows?! Maybe that amigo, as they say in Spain or Africa or someplace like that, likes cock-sucking douche bags… in a non-gay way. Maybe, just maybe, they like complete assholes for friends, which may, in turn, allow you to move your game piece on the board of friendship, five ahead.  And then all your buddies (even though you don’t have any…but could.) would say “Fuck you.” And then you might be like “No thank you. Gang-banging doesn’t seem necessary.” And then they all walk out of the room because they hated your gay joke. What the fuck. I did it again. Wrong fucking metaphor. Argh.
  4. 4.Now that you have the attention-it’s your chance to “make the move”. It is now the time to see if all this effort went to a good cause-like diabetes or cancer or something like that. No. Not really. Here’s your chance to ask him/her or himher (if they are a hermaphrodite…which is very rare, but quite possible) if you guys can be friends, buddies, amigos, liaisons, allies, two-peas-in-a-pod, bff’s. Who cares! Here’s the thing, though. Don’t be to abrupt with it. Don’t go straight for the kill. Here. I will give you a brief dialogue of the wrong way to approach this and then the right way. Target stands for the future friend-not the store. You stands for you.

WRONG WAY:

Target: Wow! Great job with that robot! It’s so huge!

You: Yeah. I basically modeled it off of my penis. Wanna be friends?

Notice here that the “friend-ask” comes abruptly after the not-so-funny, quite awkward dick joke. Not good. If this were me, I would cross that kid right off my “Possible Friends List”.

RIGHT WAY:

Target: Wow! Great job with that robot! It’s so huge!

You: Thank you. Yeah, I really didn’t know what size to make it-so I modeled it after my penis! Ha, ha.

Target: I don’t know whether I should laugh or walk away.

You: It was funny, but I swear I won’t do it again. You’re robot’s pretty cool. I like how small it is.

Target: Yeah. It was very complicated to see at first and I was trying to-

You: Model it after your penis?! Ahahahaha!

Target: You’re unbelievable.

You: I’m sorry. You see, I’m trying to make friends and I’ve been trying to for a while now and- I guess it’s just really hard.

Target: That’s what your mom said to me last night. Ahahahaha!

You: Wanna be friends?

Target: Definitely.

(Both high five in slow motion)

Notice here how the dick joke is eased in there (that’s what she said). By allowing the person to warm up to you, it is more likely that you’d start to get along. Be persistent, and when all else fails…hit ‘em with a sob story. Make them feel bad, and soon you’ll see them come around.

5.By now it should be clear that the world is full of opportunity…even for a friendless loser like yourself! These steps should’ve helped you over the bridge and on to the game board on the open waters aboard the friendship! Fuck yeah. I did it. If these haven’t worked, then try them over and over again until they do.  That is all from me. Happy Friend-Making!

Hopefully you’ve enjoyed your journey and I hope to see you soon. I feel like, by now, we’re closer than we were at the beginning of these pages. I feel as if I am able to talk to you now more freely. More openly. I feel as if I can call you a friend. Not really though. But you believed me for a second there! I had you, didn’t I? Whoah! Man. You really are fucking desperate, making friends with a few pieces of paper! Holy shit. Ok. I’m done.

Good luck with the buddy search, you fucking loser.