streeter: Dear Women


Dear Men,


For a long time we have thought we have misunderstood each other. When one thinks the other gender is being irrational, it is the supposed rational thinker who is irrational. This thinking complex isn’t due to our hormonal makeup. We both have the same hormones running through our cerebellum. The difference is the ratio of those hormones that make us different. This will never change unless you get a prescribing doctor or back alley “doctor” to give you the syringe to differ this balance. So to help you understand this so-called confusing brain of a women, I will bequeath you with some situational information.


When we go out for dinner, we will not order the same thing as you. What we will do, is look at your plate as a sample plate for ourselves. What you order will be our buffet to help us see what we enjoy and don’t. This helps us incase later on we go back to the same restaurant.   


We don’t mind that you order the steak. We are assuming you are paying for it, thus we are fine with your overbearing slab of bleeding meat. Therefor don’t question us when we order the side salad as a full meal. Some of us like salads. If we wanted anything else we would have ordered it. Also we might order the salad because the smaller the meal in our tummies the more room for wine and booze. This mixture of Lucifer Listerine might help us get through a night with you. Either to loosen us up and not feel so self conscious or make a boring night with your babble more interesting. 


Even though in the back of our mind we know you are going to pay. We will still act with grace and gesture to you with our wallets that we can pay. We will not fight with you about this subject matter of who is going to pay. We are intelligent enough to know that this is a pointless argument to persist with. We get your ideal about wanting to pay for that meal. “Me man, I bring back dead deer to cave for my women.” With our intelligence comes the comprehension of know why you are paying for that meal and it’s not because of our brains. You do this gesture because of our physical appearance. We understand that. You cannot see our brains at first glance. We also know that our looks can make your brain into putty and we might abuse that power later on. If you leave a bad tip, we will not be pleased with you. In the manner of a women, we will sneak some money on the table to make up for your fumble. If you look bad, we look bad. 


Within a grace period, we will pay. We don’t mind paying. We too have our own money, but let that period proceed with baby steps. Let us pay for the tip, then for the drinks and we will work our way up to paying for a whole meal. 


We are also human. With much speculation, we are not sexy humanoid babes from Star Trek that just dance around in revealing outfits. We would like to think that rainbows, unicorns and Jelly Belly’s comes out of us. This is not true. We are not Barbie dolls with no sphincter or without internal organs. We have orifices, like your blowup doll. But we are not your blowup doll. Even if the sounds we make are the same such as the air escaping from your blowup doll. Let’s just say that you fart and we queef. Most of us don’t like to talk about bodily functions. Yet there are a few ladies who are fine with that subject matter. Remember, know where the boundaries are with our gage reflexes, in a conversation of corse. What else would we be talking about? 


We do like kids? 


Our bodies were made to preform that weird science stuff. We just may not want our skin to be stretched nor our bellies to be mutated to make it look like an alien foot is kicking out of it. The truth is we don’t wanna look fat or even get fat. So when we talk about kids in an ill forming manner, it does not make us evil or dislike children. We just know the process of what it takes to make that Kool-aid stained lip, sticking hands, child. 


What we have yet to understand is your weird obsession with cats. Why does every bachelor in a small apartment have a cat? We don’t like cats in your place. They shed fur on our expensive clothes. Then our clothes reek afterwards due to your cat and that dress is dry clean only! That cat just shows us your laziness. Active men have dogs. Really, what do you have to do to take care of that cat? Feed it, give it water and make sure it doesn’t fornicate with your buddies cat. 


Don’t ask us what happens during girl’s night out. We have a lie within our heads about what happens when you are with your guy friends. We think it involves beers, video games and scratching yourself. And we will never call it “Guy’s Night Out.” That is our phrase for our “Girl’s Night Out” and we as you know don’t like to share things. You have your friends and we have our friends. And no we don’t wanna hangout with your friend Paul. He is 38, has a beer pyramid that fills up his mother’s basement, which he lives in and he gives us the no feeling. When we go out with the girls expect drunken texts saying, “I miss you…I thought you were a douche but these guys in here beat you fully on the richter scale.” At the end of the night we will call you trying to pretend we are not drunk. You will know we are drunk and us falling over every 5 seconds in our high heels during that phone call will give you a good indication that we drank way too much. When we get home to you, expect a sloppy mess. We will say sorry about our hair and smudged make-up. All you need to do is sweep back our hair and nicely remove our smudged make-up, as much as you can with your thumb. Even though we look like Anna Nicole Smith on too many pills, we were smart enough to wear our best lingerer. In hopes that it will make up for all our girly products we left scattered around your place when getting ready for that night.


Don’t complain about our cosmetic products. We don’t need them, but we want them. Don’t talk about how our pink lipstick beside your skeletor figurine clashes with each other or that your Castle Grayskull doll house doesn’t enjoy being used as a jewelry holder and that finding our rove bobby pins is not a fun form of hide’n’go seek. We get it, your not a girl. You don’t understand the esthetic part of our daily routine. You are going to have to live with it. We may have five different types of hair sprays, clip in hair extensions, so much make-up that the money we spend on it could feed the nation of Africa, it doesn’t mean we are insecure. If you can’t live with our girly products being everywhere. Then it is time we have a talk about how the decor could be better if you moved all your video game consoles outside, so we could put up a vanity desk to store all our wonderful crap.


We’d also enjoy that when you do play your video games that is it not around us. We don’t enjoy seeing you smack’n a hoe or stealing cars nor do we understand your COD talk. Plus when you say we will enjoy it if we played it, we won’t. Our android will always be looking at the ground or up in the sky. We have no clue how to work both thumbsticks. The only game we might be able to handle is Red Dead Redemption and that is only because we have a sick lust for rugged, unwashed men. We don’t make you watch Toddler and Tiaras, so don’t tell us Aunt flow is in town when we get upset about your remarks on Xbox live.


We are allowed to show you our emotions and those emotions have nothing to do with our estrogen cycle. You will never understand how weird it is to have blood coming out of you for days on end. Nor will you get the pain that comes with that time of the month. You will never know because we act like nothing like that is happening. We go on with our day like a tampon is not inside of us soaking up menstrual blood. 


You will only here about your penis size from us through the grape vine. There is such a thing as a small penis but we will never tell that to your face. On the other hand if you are that bad in bed, we would not be with you for that long. It’s really not the size but how you work it and if you do a poor job, we will be vocal about it. Yet we know the context of our words can be taken harshly during that subject, so our words will be chosen with deep thought and consideration. We also do care what you enjoy because if we now have equal rights as women, it’s a two-way street baby. 


Your moans about how confusing girl clothes are to take off, is mood killing. We were able to put them on without you, we can help you take them off. Plus we have a weird way of making our clothes look good on. Under our clothes is a weird contraption made by Dr. Frankenstein so every inch of our skin is in its right place. So don’t rip our clothes just so you can get them off. Our clothes are our children. 


The longest running joke is that the woman is always right. But a smart woman doesn’t need to be told she is right. We know when an argument is a waste of time and our time is precious. We don’t need a competition on who is wrong and who is right. We will back down. We have enough confidence in ourselves to know when we are right, that you just saying, “we are right” after an hour of circling words, is silly to debate about. We are indignant but we are right. So just go play your video games to cool down.


Most of you are not the best dressers and we know you are not our Ken dolls to dress up. We may Jedi mind trick you into wearing something we think looks good on you, but telling you what to wear is like being your mother. The last thing we want is to be your mother. We barely like her, she allows talks about how better your ex-girlfriends were then us. In Reality we just put up with your mother.


When our shoes or handbag doesn’t match our outfit we change them. And don’t worry, we won’t ask you if they match our outfit. If we do, it’s only to make you feel like your involved with something you really don’t care about in the first place. The greatest thing about being a women is that we can change our appearance with just a bottle of hair dye. So don’t be shocked or confused when our hair colour goes from brown, blonde then red. Don’t be freaked out when our faces can turn into looking like Marilyn Monroe to looking like a meth addict’s face. We are very good at letting you experiment with your facial hair. We let you celebrate your joy of growing into manhood when that patchy hair on your face can be called an actual beard.  


Understand that you can find other people attractive. We sure do. We even admire another girl’s beauty. If you tell us that you find another girl attractive, our mind will go into bitch mode. We will start to think, “Can I take this bitch out?” and “Am I prettier then her?” Don’t worry we are not going to kill the girl because you spoke some nice words about her. Like the rules at a strip club, you can look but don’t touch. 


Finally, we know you go through alot of trouble to impress us and we hope in return we do the same. We spend hours in front of the mirror, making sure every fiber of ourselves is just right and then have it all messed up by making out with you, but it’s all worth it. We are fickle creatures that like to present a good image, but under all that hair and makeup is a person just as goofy and immature as you. As intimidating as we may look never think, that girl is out of my league. Your character and humour is more attractive then any first pounding, gym rat.


And no matter how much we make fun of your childish ways, we still take an interest in them so we can hangout with you.