Drink from big-boy cup
Emerge nude, from a large, hollow cake, into an empty, cavernous banquet hall
Have sexual relations while listening to "Crazy Train"
Dismount the mechanical bull you've been riding for 28 years
End a business transaction with the words "No condom, no yum-yum"
Solo on your steel drums in public
Patiently explain to your elderly uncle what genderf*cking is all about
Be the first person in your family to pass a Breathalyzer test knee-deep in a swamp
Get trampled by hogs
Give a PowerPoint presentation without being steadied by angel dust
Mail The Golden Child back to Netflix
Walk around Disney World clutching a samurai sword
Cheer up a sick child by wearing a clown nose fashioned from a red enema ball
Feel the rush of breaking your back in a trampoline accident
Dance like nobody's watching or laughing or throwing garbage at you
Tug frantically at emergency chute
Become of member of Greyhound Bus Line's infamous "36-Inch-High Club"
Spend a crisp fall day buying panties from a Japanese vending machine
Be the first in the neighborhood to flee from an encroaching minority group
Volunteer to be the first citizen in space with a severe inner-ear problem
Ask for a raise. And then a job.
Blast the shit out of House of Pain's "Jump Around"
Design the perfect cape
Tell your in-laws how much you love them and need them to invest in your frozen-yogurt business
Visit Martha's Vineyard and talk to Carly Simon about stuff
Stow away behind the amps on a Sammy Hagar Cabo Wabo Around-The-World Cruise
Visit Walden Pond and laconically masturbate in a canoe
Really get your delts looking super-tight
Let someone besides your bookie cut your hair
Join the Klan- but only attend the barbecues and toy drives
Just once, really jam on the funk
Mike Sacks has written for Vanity Fair, Esquire, GQ, The New Yorker, Time, McSweeney's, and other publications. He has worked at The Washington Post, and is currently on the editorial staff of Vanity Fair.
His third and latest book, Your Wildest Dreams, Within Reason, contains 54 short humor pieces and is available now from Amazon.