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I was pissed off one night that I had to do my roomie's dishes for the fifth time in one month while she was gone for spring break. So, to break the tension, my boyfriend decided to chuck a ping pong ball against the back of my head when I got to my last dish after 30 minutes of cleaning and said "Look! I still caught it!" I don't know how his thought process worked out that doing that would have helped but it definitely turned tension into something a lot more aggressive.


My girlfriend got some new shoes recently. When I commented that they looked kinda slutty, she assured me they weren't since "the Kardashians wear shoes like these all the time."


I hate it when my girlfriend tries to kiss me right after giving me head. One day she got upset about it and asked me "Are you gonna be one of those dads who can't show affection to their children?"


I just had to explain to my boyfriend why we can't have sex while I have a tampon in. He actually thought you "bleed out the pee-hole."


Every time my boyfriend and I argue in public, I always end it with this loudly-spoken line: "Yeah well I know what your asshole tastes like!" I win every time.


Last night, my wife used my boner as a catapult to fling a piece of chocolate into my mouth. It was an EPIC shot.


Every time I give my girlfriend head, she threatens to fart if I don't do a good job.


My buddy's girlfriend got excited because someone told her a new season of Jersey Shore was going to be on TV soon. She replied, "I can't believe it's already Summer in Jersey!"


The first time I broke up with a girl, I got off the phone with her, and sent all my friends "Smeagol is FREEEEE!!!"