The Spanish Teacher
He’s a nice guy and a pretty good teacher, but you’ve had strawberry smoothies less fruity. He’s a fun guy and spends the first half of class discussing what everyone did that weekend, even though it’s Wednesday. One day he will compliment you on your shirt, you will involuntarily feel good about it, start to question your sexuality, and spend the next week and a half in your room taping playboy photos to your wall.
He’s here to educate you about the evils of modern corporations, and probably smokes more pot then those guys in your friend’s band. Usually an English teacher, the Hippie only wants students to “express themselves.” Free A’s all around Gents!
The Senile Professor
His only regret is that he dedicated his entire life to teaching you little bastards. He doesn’t have a computer or a cell phone, so if you ever need to ask a question you must do so in class, which results in a twenty minute yell fest in which he repeats every question except the one you asked. He fears change, so you will only learn material from pre-World War II society. He inputs grades based on how much he likes you, but he can’t remember any of your names, so he instead gives grades based on whether or not the name on the page is the same as one of his grandchildren.
He got shoved into one locker too many in high school and has never forgotten it. He’ll tell the girls that their relationships, along with their looks, will shrivel and die after they graduate and the boys that their sports heroes only care about stealing their money through bland-corporate sponsorship. This teacher insures that the teen suicide rate remains high and the GPAs remain low. If he taught middle-school we would all either be alcoholics or postal workers. He is the Youth-Hater, and you won’t make it out of his class without believing that life is some kind of meaningless catastrophe brought on by the young people of America.
When she walks in the first day you’ll probably mistake her for a student, a student you’d like to take to dinner sometime, have a few drinks together, and…well you know. She’ll spend half the class talking about her boyfriend and the other half listening to fashion tips from the girls you’d be staring at if she wasn’t your teacher.
There will be one guy in your class that swears he made out with her (we still aren’t buying it Mike), and every guy will dream of becoming the legend that hooked up with Miss _____. Eventually she will leave to go on a trip to some far off place with her post college buddies while you and your friends reminisce of the days when you studied nothing but the back of her dress as she bent down to scribble on the chalk board.
Gym Teacher Man
This guy doesn’t just teach gym, he lives it. He often yells for no apparent reason, usually things like “YEAH!” or “BOOYAH!” He cares about how “pumped up” the student body is and drunk students will usually scream to him at sporting events. He will heckle the girls that walk during warm-up time and challenge all the male students to a game of bad mitten. When the curriculum says he has to do rollerblading, he will spend 25 minutes trying to convince students of the benefits, and then give up in frustration.
This teacher probably had the high hopes of becoming a renowned scientist or philosopher, only to be smacked down by the hammer of academic mediocrity. She will ask the class how to spell a word at least twice a session, and answers every question with “I’ll have to look it up.” You will at some point get into an argument with her, and then she will flunk you for proving her wrong the next day. You will fail the course, causing a chain reaction leading to you flunking out of school and going on to ask students how to spell words while attempting to teach high school biology.