Mumbling is a lot like talking in cursive.
-Alex Watt @AlexanderWatt
When push comes to shove, you're definitely delivering the baby wrong.
-Steve Etheridge @stetheridge
I hate to be a pain in the ass, but I'm all out of lube.
-Jeff Rosenberg @JeffRosie
When somebody asks me to turn the dishwasher on, I walk into the kitchen and take my pants off.
-Steve Cambridge
I take everything with a grain of salt. Not because I'm a skeptic, but because I have a sodium addiction.
-James Bradford
I had nothing to do one day, so I decided to read the Bible. I guess you could call me a "bored again" Christian.
-Danielle K
My boyfriend is such a grammar Nazi, I miss one period and he acts like my life is over.
-J Klinesauce.
I'm such a feminist that my girlfriend cums on MY tits.
-Wiseguy Pictures @WiseguyPictures