"I cracked the case." – detective who just dropped his iPhone
-Chase Mitchell @ChaseMit
"Those who delete their internet history are doomed to repeat it."
-Lev Novak @LevNovak
Bragging about being a "real New Yorker" is just an optimistic way of admitting you're poorly traveled.
-Kevin Corrigan @KevinCorrigan
It turns out my grandfather was lying when he said "I've got your nose!" The nose belonged to a drifter.
-Wiseguy Pictures @WiseguyPictures
Worst Car Game Ever
I'm thinking of a word between a and z. Ok go.
-Jeff Rosenberg @JeffRosie
I'm on a first-name basis with most elderly people. They call me the first name they can think of, and I politely go along with it.
-Alex Watt @AlexanderWatt
My parents don't approve of me attending culinary school. They think I'm just wasting thyme
-Brandon Richie @brichie13