I don't want to sound homophobic, but I don't think gay male grizzly bear couples should be allowed to raise kids. They usually eat them.
-Kevin Corrigan @KevinCorrigan
I'm an anthropologist. Every time my girlfriend gets mad at me, I buy her something from Anthropology.
-Brian Murphy @CHMurph
I recently fell into some money. Unfortunately it was only 5 bucks, so I broke my nose.
-Mike Fagan
I'm starting to feel kind of guilty for flushing the Indian in my cupboard down the toilet. Sorry, I mean Native American.
-Wiseguy Pictures @WiseguyPictures
I'm going to start calling my testicles "horses." That way when anyone says "Hold your horses" I'll have something fun to do.
-Jeff Rosenberg @JeffRosie
Technically speaking, until someone starts paying you to be a member of the working class, you're just an amateurletarian.
-Alex Watt @AlexanderWatt
Early stage pyramid schemes are known as "ziggurat schemes."
-Andrew Bridgman @AndyBridgman