1. Soul Patches
The soul patch is, arguably, the most illogical of all 90's trends. The chin strap beard, while stupid, clearly said, "I do too have a chin. I outlined it in my face hair. See?" The goatee wordlessly declared, "I'm an assh*le!" So what did a soul patch say? "The only thing I follow more religiously than minor league baseball is trends involving confused displays of masculinity." If you ever had a soul patch, please take a moment to stew in your shame. If you still have a soul patch, you've got a little barbecue sauce in there.
Perhaps it was because of all of the Skip-It related chafing wounds, or just a general fondness for the feel of perpetually filthy shreds of fabric flopping against your calves, but, in the 90's, nothing was cooler than going to Kohl's with your mom to buy a fly new pair of JNCOs. WAS, being the operative word. We can all agree now that the circumference of your "pipes" should not exceed the length of your inseam. It just looks stupid. It doesn't matter how many yo-yo's you had stashed in there; no one needs that much room in their pants.
3. Leather Pants
No one who was over the age of 11 at any point in the 90's made it through the decade without wondering, "Could I pull off leather pants?" The answer, ubiquitously, was, "No," but Ricky Martin, Crazy Spice, and the actresses on Charmed were unrelenting in their desire to make leather pants last. In the end, the insane dry cleaning bills and the fact that you can't take anyone in leather pants seriously defeated this terrible trend. Just in case: no. You can't pull off leather pants. Don't try to bring them back. No.
4. Thug Looney Tunes Shirts
Nothing proves the collective idiocy of the 90's more than the fact that a group of businessmen thought, "People will probably buy T-shirts with Looney Tunes characters dressed in 'urban' attire," and then people actually bought them. This fad predated the safety mechanism of ironic fashion. If you wore an oversized T-shirt with a picture of Bugs Bunny wearing baggy, backwards jeans, you genuinely thought it was cool. At some point in the 90's, at least one person was probably held at gun point by someone in a gangster Tasmanian Devil T-shirt. Just think about that and vow to never let this fashion trend return.
5. Backwards Jeans
Why was Bugs Bunny dressed in backwards jeans? Oh yeah. Because that was a thing people did. Specifically "Mac Daddy" and "Daddy Mac" of the hip-hop group Kris Kross. They are to blame for countless misplaced beepers and chaos at junior high urinals. This is the kind of trend that can only be discussed by using the phrase "youth culture" in the most crotchety tone of distanced disparagement, but, come on, you tried your jeans on backwards. Just don't try it again.