Wearing non-prescription eyeglasses is like putting on socially acceptable blackface. The superficial IQ points that come with wearing glasses is all the visually challenged community has. It's the only thing that makes being picked last for virtually every sports team and mistaking lone, balled-up pairs of slacks for peacefully sleeping dogs tolerable.


There are over 6 billion people in the world and every single one of them has a birthday. Being born is just something that happens, whether you like or not. If you're looking for a shared human experience to celebrate, try death—at least you have some control over that.


Is a lie you tell yourself to justify buying that $250 record player. To be honest, people would be just as happy if you put on a 90's Pandora playlist, because people are stupid, but not as stupid as owning a record player in 2011, that's just straight up DUMB.


The worst thing about this face is that people make it under the false understanding that it makes them look attractive and sexy. The truth of the matter is that it makes you look like you just made out with an oversized lemon. There are two reasons that this facial expression is known as "the duckface." 1. It makes your mouth look like a duck bill. 2. It makes people want to shove bread in your face until you go away forever.


You may think you're being polite by leaving someone a message, but what you're actually doing is wasting their time in the most meaningless way possible. Chances are if the person you called actually calls you back, you'll just end up repeating everything you said in your voicemail. Next time just send a text, it's like leaving a voice message, but without the ignorant assumption that the person you're calling has time to spare and actually enjoys listening to the sound of your voice.