It's important to be conservative with water. That's why when I shower I just redistribute the cleanliness amongst the already clean.
-Julie Shain @JulieShain
I don't know why I even bother eating tangerines if people are going to keep growing more. We're never going to finish them that way.
-Kevin Corrigan @KevinCorrigan
It's too bad you can't attend your own funeral. I'd really love to hear what everyone has to say about where they're going to eat afterwards.
-Alex Watt @AlexanderWatt
Nothing screams "gay" like my stepdad at me.
-Wiseguy Pictures @WiseguyPictures
Lost my debit card over the weekend and someone used it to buy $200 worth of Korean Wizard Porn, AND they delivered it to MY apartment!
-Caldwell Tanner @Caldy
"There's nothing 'special' about this rape victim. Let's go home and play videogames, Munch." -weird episode of Law & Order: SVU
-Andrew Bridgman @AndyBridgman
Recent polls show that more than 99 percent of women refuse to have phone sex with pollsters.
-Chase Mitchell @ChaseMit