How many people did you see before the one person that let you know of your gross "bat in the cave" situation? Way too many people. Thinking back, you did notice they were all not-too-subtly itching and wiping their own noses. It's allergy season, how were you supposed to know what they were signalling to you? And—oh, of course today was the day you got your picture taken for the school paper. Now no one will pay attention to how you revitalized the intramural frisbee team. Maybe they'll Photoshop it out?

Since the most flagrant nudity in gym locker rooms is perpetrated by the exceedingly elderly—a condition of aging wherein they don't care whether or not their core is sculpted so long as they played a good game of racquetball—this situation is not only terrible due to simple nudenity, but the texture of said nudity is so aged and wrinkly that it will haunt you in your dreams the rest of your life.

There were few teenage boys in the 90s who didn't have a sexual identity crisis brought on by the not one, but three androgynous blond signing sensations known as Hanson. You had to rethink everything you were learning about yourself just when you were totally sure you loved boobs. Even though you know now that you for sure love boobs, you still get a chill every time you hear the chorus to "Mmmbop." You should talk to your dad about David Bowie sometime

Quick! Pretend you were swatting away a fly! Or fixing your hair! Anything to cover up the fact that this person's seemingly harmless gesture to their friend has effectively crumbled your fantasies of being their soul mate. Dammit, just don't let them see you cry.

Maybe if you try saying it just one more time… Man, they are totally missing out on your amazing personality. Don't they know you have so much first-hand experience with almost everything they're talking about? What is WRONG with these people? Just wait til your Xbox Live friends hear about this.