Sometimes it’s really hard for me to think of a topic to write about and then when I do, I usually mess around on Myspace and watch Family Matters before I finally get started. Since this is a wonderful advice column, I try to write about things that will help others. That’s why I’m writing about something that has become a growing problem on our campus and probably campus’s all over the world. Of course I’m talking about hippies, the eventual downfall of society as we know it.


Personally, I hate hippies. Why? There are plenty of reasons and hopefully, by the end of this article, you will join me in this ongoing struggle against hippy-kind. But before you can do this, you must first be able to spot them out in the wild. Therefore, I’ve written the following guide that’ll outline pretty much all the major characteristics of a dirty (there aren’t EVER any clean ones) hippy.


  • Hippies have long, greasy, hair. Usually put in a ponytail or wrapped up in a tie-dye bandana, the greasy hair, which may or may not have insects crawling through it, is one of the most distinguishing characteristics of hips today. This, of course, is not to be confused with the shaggy hair sported by most punk-rockers today, which is perfectly acceptable in the event that your skateboard broke and your girlfriend dumped you.


  • Hippies don’t shower, which would explain the greasy hair mentioned above. Showering is a waste of water and it hurts Mother Earth. This trait is quite helpful when trying to determine if a person is a hippy or not. If they smell like a cross between garbage and weed, chances are you have a winner.Actually, I shouldn’t say they never clean themselves. Occasionally, they’ll all get together and hop into a nearby river and splash around in their own filth. Fact: This is the number 1 cause of water pollution in our lakes and streams today.


  • Hippies are snappy dressers. If by “snappy” I mean “awful” and I totally do. Most hippies are usually so skinny that still fit into their ratty old t-shirts from elementary school. Also, they can often be seen sporting girl jeans with patches covering the holes. Very stylish. And let’s not forget about sandals, the official footwear of hippies. With all that sitting around they do, I guess they really don’t have a reason to wear shoes so they might as well be comfortable. Many may make the argument that my friend, Jesus, also wore sandals and had long hair. Well, Jesus died for my sins, therefore, not a hippy.


  • Hippies don’t hate anyone, they dislike. Although most of the time they slip-up and use hate anyway but quickly correct themselves.


For example, a hippy might say, “I really hate, I mean dislike, John Stamos.”


OK, there are two problems with this statement. First off, quit trying to pretend that you love everyone by using dislike. If you hate someone just say it. Hate isn’t, in fact, as strong a word as people, mostly hippies, make it out to be. I mean just because you hate someone doesn’t mean you wish they were dead. When I hate someone, I’m not afraid to admit it. The other problem with this statement is that they don’t like John Stamos. Let me tell you right now, if you don’t like John Stamos, not only are you a hippy but you’re also a jerk!


  • Hippies “dislike” the government. In fact, they hate the government so much that they let it affect their entire life. One time I made the mistake of talking to a hippy.


“Hi, how are you?” I said.


“Crummy, just crummy!” replied the hip.


“Oh no, why is that?”


“Because George Bush is our president!”


Seriously, hippy? Is that why your day has been crummy? Just because George Bush is our president? Well I guess that credible video made by some college kid on the internet did say that he single-handedly planned 9/11. Then he went on trying to fill my head with some ridiculous hippy nonsense until I threw up all over the place. That’ll teach those tie-dye dirtballs to try and talk to me.


  • Hippies play Ultimate Frisbee. In the never ending quest to be different from the rest of society, some hippy, probably with the help of LSD thought it would be a good idea to create a sport that would take Frisbee to another level. The Ultimate Level! I hate this game so much. It seems like every time I go to the rec center to play hockey (a real sport), a group has congregated on the middle court tossing around the old discus. It’s a great time. Well not if you’re playing but if you happen to catch their Frisbee and throw it across the rec center, it’s awesome.



  • Hippies are playful, which isn’t a bad thing if you’re a five-year-old child. The other day I was walking to my friend’s apartment, and some hippies live above him. They even have a sign declaring their hippyness, which is surprising to me because I didn’t think they knew how to read let alone make a sign. Anyway a group of the hippy’s friends were outside and one playful little scamp started to throw snowballs at his friend’s window to get his attention. How carefree. The snow ball thrower was also with an old man hippy. Now you tell me, why would a young hippy be going to another hippy’s house with an old man hippy? Certainly not to do drugs! Never.


So there it is; my little guide for you to determine “Good” from “Hippy.” You should probably cut it out and put it in your purse or wallet in case you think you might have run into one. In the event you do, stay calm. Simply find a sharp utensil, stab them in the eye, and run away.