Adam Ruins Everything
Jake and Amir
10 Foods That Should Exist
October 17, 2011
Tacos are a classic masterpiece of compact unhealthiness. It's essentially a wallet of meat and cheese that we shove in our mouths as fast as we can. So why are we wasting our precious gorging time on all those stupid tortillas when we could be scooping our portable feasts with fluffy, golden waffles? That's right: there's no reason. Let's get it together, America.
Any indulgent chump can make a chocolate chip pancake, but it takes a really bored and hungry chump to put in the time and effort to make this vision of caloric genius. To avoid accidentally cooking the cookie, one must pre-freeze little balls of dough and then mix those into the pancake batter before putting them on the griddle. The really tricky part is not just eating all of the dough instantly, but it seems like a risk worth taking.
What's the biggest problem with burritos? The soggy tortilla mess. What's the biggest problem with sushi? The lack of cheese. Enter the Sushi Burrito. It has all the tidy, moisture resistant properties of a sushi roll,
the gut-enhancing bean/cheese/meat trifecta of a burrito. Plus, it has seaweed, so it's healthier. Definitely like half the calories of a regular burrito. Definitely.
We're legally not allowed to refer to this concoction as a "beverage" because of the fact that it will instantly drain all of the moisture from your mouth, throat, and surrounding bodies of water, but, hey, if Jamba Juice can get away with selling a "Peanut Butter Moo'd" shake, then we should be allowed to drink liquified peanut butter without having to go to a Jamba Juice and be the fat slobs who order peanut butter when everyone else is getting acai berry and a shot of something that isn't pure lard-salt.
Marshmallow is a woefully underrepresented ingredient in the field of candy bars. This is an outright travesty. The Mallomar is proof that marshmallow and cookie and chocolate is a terrific combination. But Mallomars are a seasonal treat, and, if we're being entirely honest, the cookie part of the Mallomar is overpoweringly dry and perma-stale. This is where the gentle wafer of the Kit-Kat comes in. It's the perfect, year-round cocoon for delicious clouds of synthetic sugar. Your move, Hershey.
The secret to making an awesome thing even more awesome is to add egg. This rule works with absolutely everything. Cheeseburger: awesome. Cheeseburger + egg: awesomer. Paintball: awesome. Paintball with eggs: awesomer. This is just science. The problem with the omelette pizza, however, is that it might be impossible to make one in which all of the different ingredients are perfectly cooked. But, if we add enough eggs, that problem will probably sort itself out.
The chocolate-dipped ice cream cone was a pretty great invention, but it's old news. It's about time that we had a new option available. Cinnamon sugar deserves the chance to reclaim the junk food prominence it had at the height of the Cinnamon Toast Crunch marketing campaign. We could all use a few more swirls of cinnamon sugar in our lives.
The secret is out. Ketchup/mayo combo is the best condiment. So why are we all still being forced to endure the fat, probably sweaty, shame of having to ask for mayonnaise and then combine it with ketchup on our own? Let's just accept what we are and have pre-mixed ketchup and mayonnaise on every greasy table. And, while we're at it, let's drop this "special sauce" business. It's usually just Ketchonnaise and we all know it.
Every foodsmith worth his weight in saturated fat knows that the best thing you can do to a sandwich is to add a layer of french fries. Let's get a little more ambitious and ditch the bread altogether. Though, in order to make this food dream a reality, we either need to start eating smaller sandwiches, or growing bigger potatoes. Consider this a formal vote for the latter.
Sometimes food mods are a simple matter of finding foods that don't involve cheese and carbohydrates and then surrounding that food with those items. But then there's the cheeseburger. The cheeseburger is already a picture of carby cheese modding. So, should we leave it alone? Of course not. Let's cram some mac and cheese in that sucker. Just pre-cook some macaroni and cheese, then mold your meat patty around a knot of pasta. If you realize you're out of breath by the time you finish, it just means you're ready.
We like you. Do you like us too?
Don't ask me again.