To Whom it May Concern:
I am writing to express my interest in being another sheet of paper that you skim. Due to my palpable lack of marketable skills, I am confident that I can make myself completely forgettable in the space of a few paragraphs. You will see that I am highly capable of this. I have two bachelor's degrees. I'm sure that the following embellishments of my misspent life will make you want my sweaty, unfit body to be near yours in an office every weekday for many years. LOOK AT ME! Are you looking at me? Good.
Now I'm going to start lying about being good at the position you are offering. I will begin by making a completely empty statement by saying that I think I can be a valuable member of your team. I saw "Remember the Titans" twice in theaters. What a team they were, huh? That's just one example of the empty logic I am employing in order to pass off my substandard abilities as the exact qualities of a desirable candidate. Additionally, I have extensive experience using computers, often for web games and porno. Ergo, I can meet the challenges of this tech-savvy position because, for the purposes of this cover letter, all computer skills are the same computer skill. And did you know that I went to college? That's probably where I learned to waste people's time.
I have also interned at several places. I spent the bulk of those internships thinking about mentioning them here, to you. Wow, I can't believe I haven't used the word "qualifications" yet. Oh shit, here it comes. I have many qualifications:
-I am well-versed in Microsoft Office. That's real impressive, so long as you pretend that we live in a nomadic tribe of hunter-gatherers. Pretend harder.
-I have great organizational skills and can juggle multiple tasks simultaneously. I most likely gained both of these skills by pulling them directly out of my ass.
-I am enthusiastic and creative. For fuck's sake, I might as well have put down "palm reading" or "unicorn breeding" here.
To reiterate, you have spent part of your life reading this. I think I have demonstrated my initiative, ambition, and enterprise, as well as my ownership of a thesaurus. I am excited to deprive you of more valuable time by further discussing my qualifications with you via telephone. This will allow me to elaborate on my qualifications, to conceal my dull personality with buzzwords, and to discuss the passions and hobbies that really make me, well, me-including an exuberant explanation of my masturbation addiction and its surprising, multifaceted relevance to this job.
Some young guy who thinks he's slick, but is in for a rude awakening