Un-Spiked Punch: No one wants to see your mom's c-section scars again this year. Go ahead and swap out the spiked stuff with some Juicy Juice. If you can, try to save the spiked punch somewhere for you to sneak back to your dorm for your own post-Thanksgiving party!


"Gluten Free, I Swear" Rolls: Seriously, just switch out the gross rolls with real ones. Nobody wants to eat those, everyone was just being polite in the group email. Yes, your second cousin will break out in a rash on over 80% of her body for the next two months, but she should have thought of that before she decided to be prettier and more athletic than you anyway.


Cranberry Sauce Surprise: The only person who actually eats this is that one uncle who totally low-balled your graduation card. He's a legit millionaire and only gave you $10, really? You might be tempted to crush a few laxatives into the sauce for him, but what would work even better is crushing up some of the leftover pain pills from when you got your wisdom teeth out. That way he will begin to spiral into an intense pill addiction, losing his business and trophy wife along the way. Seriously, f*ck that guy.


Crunchy Green Bean Casserole: You know how your brother just got that great promotion at work and meanwhile you failed your 1 hour Fundamentals of Walking class for the second time? And you know how he's allergic to nuts? Just sprinkle a few cashews in the casserole and he will be walking his way out the door and straight to the emergency room.


Sweet Dream Sweet Potatoes: Since all the kids pretty much just eat the marshmallows on top as their entire Thanksgiving meal, stuff each of those mini-puffs with a Benadryl per kid and watch them droop into a peaceful slumber just as the turkey works its magic on the rest of your family. Speaking of…


Turkey a la Zzz: Turkeys are famous for having the natural sedative tryptophan to help make your family members too sleepy to continue bickering about whether or not your Anthropology major counts as "real" science. To make those chemicals kick in even more, you'll want to add a nice handful of your aunt's Ambien to the stuffing. Claim you're a vegetarian this year and you'll be enjoying the dog show in peaceful silence.


Perfect Pumpkin Pie: Since you've successfully got the entire family knocked out, and since you didn't eat much of anything else all day, go ahead and pile on all the whipped cream from the fridge and eat the whole pie yourself. You earned it.