Adam Ruins Everything
Jake and Amir
CollegeHumor New Year's Resolutions
January 2, 2012
I resolve to stop spoiling TV shows for people. Like, there's no reason I need to tell anyone that this season of Dexter ended with his sister catching him in the middle of a killing. Oops.
I resolve to find someone worthy of a human sacrifice. That's the only way the Mayan Gods will spare me when the world ends on December 21, 2012.
Yooooo Suze, just got the resolutions email. I think my real resolution is going to be to stop sleeping with coworkers (
haha), but can you just make something up for me about corgis or tweeting or something? I'm super busy today. Thanks gurl! Rina
To not fulfill my 2012 resolution. Hooray! / Damn!
I resolve to stop introducing myself three sentences too late. It's a bad habit that makes me sound like I'm narrating an infomercial, so it's time I made a change. Hi, I'm Dan Gurewitch.
This year I'm going to learn how to recite the alphabet without singing it. The only part that's still giving me trouble is
I resolve to suit pooling, frink jers, and reprogram my phone's T9.
I promise to disband my international heroin cartel as soon as I have enough money to pay for my baby sister's brain surgery and to stop lying to make my life sound more interesting.
I resolve to
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new year's eve
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