There's lots of shit to look forward to after college: entry-level jobs, loan payments, countless attempts to gather old college friends back at your old happy hour bar in order to relive the days when you pretended your life would amount to something, etc. However, despite all this good stuff to look forward to, there's one huge downside to graduating college that'll make your life more sad and desperate than every Smash Mouth album combined: lack of sex.
You're not 18-21 anymore, and your chances of enjoying those old fashion, one-night fuckfests are probably as nonexistent as Steve Perry's solo career, but fear not, for I have a solution high school girls!
Now you may be asking, "Michael, why would I want to have sex with somebody younger than my sister?" But think about it is it really that big of a deal? We've all thought about it before: watching as some friend parades around their younger cousin and her friends from the local catholic high school, leering at them with perverted, glazed-over looks while they get tanked for the first time and shake their ass to some Outkast song. Yeah, maybe you couldn't of done anything about the situation back then because of annoying, little roadblocks like "morals" and "standards", but this is a whole new ball game now start swinging!!
There is one problem, however: why would they be interested in you? After all, they probably have teachers your age, you creep. However, fear not, there is hope thanks to my new, fool-proof system to getting any type of high school girl you want before they turn into that girl you knew in your freshman dorm who would fuck for cigarettes.
Be her daddy. It's a fact all girls love their fathers" except for the girls whose only concept of a father is that guy who knocked up her mom at an EMF concert. So, the trick here is to fashion yourself after daddy-dearest's image and likeness. One of the best way's to do this is to offer to pick her and her friends up from the mall. Ask her how her night was, make sure she didn't give her number out to any unsavory characters, maybe even buy her a cinnabun you know, dad stuff. Then, after you drop her friends off at home, proceed to rub her thigh. Let her misguided Freudian instincts take over from there. This works best on the sweet, innocent types.
Become a blue-collar badass. Remember back in high school, how that really hot, quiet chick would only go out with those dudes who were like 23 years old? You know the type the guy who would come and pick her up after school in a souped-up Beretta right after he got off the clock at his uncle's landscaping company. Well guess what you can be that guy!! Just set yourself up in some meaningless, dead-end job (such as filling vending machines) and wait let your scuffed-up clothes and your lack of ambition do the rest. Once you get the girl, rub her thigh and make sure you keep her interested in your recklessness by giving dirty looks to every guy she talks to and making idle threats to her English teacher.
Play the misunderstood guy. Trying to get your filthy, pedophile hands on that artistic high school girl? Then it's time to break out that Radiohead shirt you haven't worn since you realized they sucked! Once you two are done your closing shifts at Starbucks, bring her home for some of your homespun poetry recited over a David Gray CD. Sit there and talk about how you wish you had friends as cool as her to go with to the Salvador Daly exhibit. A nice touch is to tell her how her parents don't appreciate her artistic vision and that their only trying to hold her back it'll make it that much easier for you in the future when you're trying to convince her that the two of you should move to NYC to open your own oxygen bar. Oh yeah and don't forget to rub her thigh!
New contest in the pictures section Pizza Boobs! Surprise the pizza man with boobies, take a picture, and Internet fame will be yours.