As hard as it is for me to believe, I am now officially a college graduate. I am currently floating in limbo between the worlds of the undergraduate and the graduate, like a poor soul burning in Purgatory. To show that I am not stingy with the wisdom that I acquired, I have decided to break down some fears that incoming students have about higher education and dispel some of the college myths that may be floating around. Let's call it my dissertation, shall we?
Myth #1 College is a non-stop party, and the best days of your life.
According to every movie about college that I've ever seen, there is in fact a non-stop party going on at college that includes only the most wild and attractive people imaginable. Even though I never found it before I graduated, I know that it around somewhere, because I distinctly remember stepping on used condoms during my morning commute to class. If you haven't been to this awesome box social yet, keep looking.Maybe the condoms are really just doubling as breadcrumbs, and following them will lead you to this Shangri-la of toga parties and keg stands. As for the best days of your lives, I personally lived it up at the ripe age of seven months, when I didn't have to move to go to the bathroom and milk was at its sweetest.
Myth #2 The freshman 15.
Now, some people will claim that the young, slim ladies who enter college will leave come May with 15 extra pounds. This is false. Most girls put on closer to 30 pounds, while guys add two man-breasts, a belly, and a tattoo to honor their old lady.
Myth #3 That creepy old dorm is haunted.
No need to worry about this one. This myth is decidedly false. In 1988, a mismatched group of scientists named Peter, Ray, Winston and Egon came in and took care of, or "busted," the ghosts in colleges nation-wide, all the while delighting those present with comedy coming from their different personality types. Upon leaving, onlookers are said to have heard Bobby Brown music playing from an unknown source.
Myth #4 There are no cats in America and the streets are made of cheese.
Well, when I was a kid in New Jersey, we had a cat so fat that when she walked her stomach swayed like a pendulum, allowing us to set our clocks to her when the power went out. Oh, and the last time that I tasted a street for my cheese fix, it tasted more like a rusty bucket filled with dirt than delicious Wisconsin cheddar.
Myth #5 They caught the peeping tom on campus.
Obviously, if I'm free to write this, I'm still on the loose. Oh, and Brenda? You might want to shave a little more often.
Myth #6 A professor is allotted 10 minutes after the scheduled start time of a class before students may leave; a professor with the a PhD 15 minutes.
This is entirely false. If the professor is not present when the clock strikes the second that the class is scheduled to start, students may leave. They also win one million dollars, get a 4.0 GPA for doing so and are titled king or queen of the universe.
Myth #7 Once leaving the house, your parents will turn your room into a sewing space, parlor or site for their toy trains.
Unfortunately, this is true. Parents get some sort of bug when their children move out for college and often go hog-wild with changes around the house. I remember walking home and seeing my mother with Carlos the pool man when I surprised the family by coming home unannounced. So yes, some changes will surely occurexpect the worst. (Dad, if you are reading this, know that I'm joking. Mom, if you are reading, this say "hi" to Carlos and give him my love.)
Final Myth You are wasting $200 every time you skip a class.
While that is mathematically correct, the money that you make selling pictures on the Internet of your roommate sleeping more than compensates for this squandered cash.
So, hopefully this will clear up some of the questions you may be having about college life.