I have a confession to make: I have never been in a real relationship.
Unless of course you consider randomly going home from the bar with same guy twice to be a relationship; if you do, I've been in two. But, for those of you who define "relationship" as "at least three dates and a shower" I have to admit that I have never had the luxury. Call me an independent woman, call me an ADD child, or just call me slutty; it has just never happened for me.
Until now, that is.
I have finally done it. I went on 3 dates with the same person (1.5 were sober!) and took a shower (you know, just to make it real), which means that I finally have my first relationship! Let me tell you, it is ROUGH! Now I see what I've been missing all these years: guilt trips, a lack of independence, and nasty random hairs clogging my shower drain.
Don't get me wrong, this whole relationship thing isn't all bad. Besides the great free meals and a consistent snuggle buddy, I have learned something huge about men in the past 119 hours, 37 minutes and 23 gut wrenching" .er" .glorious seconds of my life; information that I feel it is my duty as a writer for CollegeHumor to pass on and warn unsuspecting victims. So, here it is:
There is a new species popping up in relationships lately and one that I can see spreading faster than a case of Herpes in a frat house. I call it: The Concealer. While liars, cheaters, and guys with small penises are blatantly obvious to any passerby (guys in Hummers are a big neon sign screaming "I have a tiny penis!"), the Concealer by nature lies just below the radar leaving everyone unaware of his scandalous ways.
So, what is a Concealer? Well, for one they are not liars. The Concealer will not tell you he is a virgin (and not only because it makes him look bad); rather, he will keep his secrets hidden just below the surface concealing the truth in order to appear flawless. This means that while your man may never speak of an orgy involving the Olson twins, a puppy and your great Aunt Susie that it never happened. This just means that you aren't asking the right questions. Concealers also avoid asking you very many questions about your past fearing that if they ask if you have ever taken it from behind you may ask them the very same question. Famous Concealer lines include but are not limited to, "You never asked," or, "I never told you I wasn't seeing other people all this time."
It is never easy to spot a Concealer, but if you know the signs you will be able to expose his secrets quickly and decide from there if he is worthy (read: good in the sack) of sticking around.
And with that, my work here is done; and so is my relationship.