So.

Let's kill the homeless.

Please don't misunderstand me. I'd hate it if you thought I was suggesting we kill the homeless as some sort of winking satire. Allow me to grab both your arms and stare at you while I say this : I mean to quite seriously suggest that we eradicate homeless people from the face of the earth, leaving naught but silence and possibly a cartoonish wisp of smoke. Not kill them to eat them. Not kill them for entertainment purposes (even though it would, in some cases, be pretty funny).
No. Kill them so they'd be dead.

Before any crybabies jump all over me for this, please allow me to explain. I think you'll find my reasoning as unblemished as porcelain here.

Reason #1: I like change. I find I'm constantly in need of it to wash my shirts and pants. Do me the favor of following this line of reasoning to its logical conclusion and I think you'll agree: we must kill all the homeless.

Reason #2: Homeless people shriek a lot, loudly, often about Jesus, and make no sense at all. One might begin to suspect, in fact, that they're crazy "" to which I put forward that this could very well be the case.

They do, after all, live on streets. Say you and I were walking down the street, for instance, and suddenly I said "Excuse me," sat down on the street, and started shrieking about Jesus and emanating waves of urine-scented air.

"Hey," you might think, "that's just not cool." Maybe you're even rethinking the day, piecing together an excuse in your head to do your errands without me. And the whole time I'm breaking your concentration by yelling something about Christ, bees and tinfoil at the high threshold of human hearing, and what do you mean you have to do laundry, give me money.

Now let me lay this on you "" homeless people do that kind of thing all the time.

Reason #3: Homeless people are very ugly. Cybabies will moan about vague human rights issues involved in the nationwide slaughter of the homeless, but I think they're missing an important point, which is that homeless people are profoundly unfuckable.

Let's come at the situation from a purely fuck-based perspective, the homeless are so useless it's obscene. Even if you wanted to fuck the homeless "" and I should add that I can't imagine a scenario in which you would "" you'd have to do it in the middle of the street while they pounded on your back and yelled about Jesus. This scenario would probably entice only the most daring fuck-enthusiasts. For Joe and Jane Meat-and-Potatoes Fuckscene, the homeless as useless as sand.

Reason #4: I once saw a homeless guy crap in a mailbox.

"A mailbox?" you're probably thinking. "Why doesn't someone kill the homeless?" And really, that's fantastic, because I was sort of thinking the exact same thing.

In summation: we have everything to gain by killing the homeless. And even if this ends up not being true, and we gain nothing from it, remember that we won't lose much. It's not like the homeless were saving our seats in the theater or anything.
The only problem I can see is the irrational outrage of a small faction of whiny crybabies. This brings me to my addendum: we should probably kill the crybabies before we kill the homeless so they won't give us all headaches. After that we should also kill all the people the homeless people used to hang out with, so they won't be bringing us down at otherwise-fun parties.

And after that, we should probably stop killing people altogether, since by this point we'd have an awful lot of bodies lying around everywhere, and everything would stink pretty bad for a while. leaving merely the threat of killing if we get any sass about the homeless killing. So probably a six-month grace period before we killed any more people, at which point further suggestions could be submitted.

My reasoning is flawless, my methods precise. Grab your weapon of choice, and let's go kill us up some homeless. Then the crybabies, the people who hung out with them, and rounding it all off with a six-month no-kill grace period. Then a write-in suggestion campaign for further killings! To the streets!

Our friend Justin made a video that you should check out if you're a fan of The OC. To celebrate this week's season finale of the show, we compiled a collection of Kiki Cohen's best drunken moments. So check out The Kiki Cohen Power Hour. And check these hotlinks too, of course.