Funerals are just sad – there's no way around it. Whether it's a close loved one or some random hook-up who scared you into thinking she was pregnant back in "'02, funerals mark not only the end of trite and materialistic life, but also a pageant of tongue-tying small talk, uneasy eye contact, and those weird hugs that people give you when they don't really want to be physically close to you in the first place – you know, the ones where their feet stay planted while they lean their shoulders to you, leaving about 2 ft between your torsos. Man, those things are awkward!

But just because these things are uncomfortably solemn doesn't mean that you can't make the most of an unfortunate situation. Here are some tips on passing the time:

Check out the opposite sex. Okay, I know how irreverent this sounds, but seriously, this is a prime time to go booty-watchin'. With the exception of weddings, funerals are the best way to observe a significant, spiritual event and still get some action in the process. It's this simple: Girls – check out all those guys in their finely-tailored suits! I'll tell you one thing, they ain't thinking about their wives/girlfriends. They're thinking their way through the whole "life's too short to be with one women at a time" speech. They're going to depress themselves into cheating on their wives anyway – why shouldn't you get in on the action?

Guys can gain from this, too! Ever notice how all the girls at funerals are dressed up really hot? And not just "respectful gathering" hot, they're dressed up hotter than a drunk freshman crying her way home from a frat party full of ass-grabbery. And why are girls dressed so good at funerals? Contrary to popular belief, it's not in order to look presentable enough to "respect the deceased." It's because their maternal instincts are kicking in. All the death around them jumps starts their biological clocks, giving them the subconscious need to reproduce! They dress hot to lure you in! Hey, it's simple science – take advantage of it!

Make a list of things you don't want the deceased to know you do. It's crossed over everybody's minds at one point or another – where do we go when we die? The big trend these days is to believe we go to Heaven – allowing our souls to reap in eternal salvation while we watch and protect those among the living. If that's true, and our dearly departed are watching over us, imagine how disgusted they are with you right now!! They see you do all that crap that you make sure nobody is around to see. They see you totally ignoring the 5-second rule and eating what just fell to the floor 40 seconds ago. They see you when you prop your leg up on the bathtub in order to wipe your ass at that perfect angle. They see you masturbating to Hilary Duff's sweet 16 party on Nickelodeon. They even saw what that pig you banged over the summer looked like – you know, the one you told all your friends looks like {insert hot "It" celebrity}. Do yourself and the departed a favor: censor your filthy ass!

Question your faith aloud. Ask yourself, in your most pondering yet angry voice, "Why did God create something so beautiful if only to take it away?!" It's not the best way to kill time, but it'll make those good-looking mourners you're trying to hump think that you're deep. Or not.

And finally, think of a segue. The only thing more uncomfortable than all the forced small talk you'll be having with fellow mourners is finding a way to end it. This is especially tough when they're talking about how much they'll miss the dead and the only thing you can think of is "Hey listen, I gotta jet" the Charles in Charge reunion special starts in 15 minutes." Take this time to come up with a smooth transition that'll lead you out the door. Just make sure you avoid puns like "This funeral is boring me to death!" or "Look at the time! I think I should do a little "'departing' of my own!" Apparently, these funerals are full of sad, depressed people, or something.