Having a girlfriend is a pretty big adjustment for anyone. For me it was an even bigger adjustment than Dale Earnhardt made when he had to stop racing because he died in a fiery car crash. Basically what I'm saying is that I'm now in uncharted territory. I feel out of place, like Vin Diesel would in a room of actors, or anywhere else because he's so fucking dumb looking.
There are a lot of little things that having a girlfriend entails that a serial one-night-stand man like myself overlooked when I got into this whole mess. Tampons are one of them. Understanding that girls have a period, and then seeing physical evidence of it in the garbage can when you brush your teeth in the morning are two completely different things. It's like the difference between knowing that the holocaust happened and watching Schindler's List.
Another thing that irks me is that I can't see my pre-girlfriend friends anymore. I just don't have any time. I'm constantly walking her places, or watching Greg Kinear movies with her, or walking her to Blockbuster to rent Greg Kinear movies. Also, this girlfriend situation happened during the same week that a.) my cell phone stopped working (or I dropped it in the toilet, whatever) b.) my computer crashed and c.) I lost my cable on account of not paying the bill. All this, coupled with the aforementioned fact that a night with just my friends has become about as common as a sold out Everclear concert, has caused me a complete loss of communication with the world. The only news I get from the outside is what I read on bathroom walls. Last week in my ethics class we were talking about the Terri Schiavo case, and the only thing I could contribute is that two gay guys on a motorcycle are called Rolaids. That was hilarious though.
As well as money and self-respect, having a girlfriend has also deprived me of blow jobs. Girls seem to think once they've reached the exalted girlfriend status that blow jobs are below them. When this "relationship" began I was under the impression that the amount of blow jobs I got would increase. Now I can only get her to do it if she wants to get busy and I pretend I drank too much to get a boner, or if I drink too much to get a boner. I haven't stopped paying for shit, why can she stop giving blow jobs (on another note, what happened to the word blow job? Are we too cool to say it? Everybody says "head", or "go down on me." I like saying blow job. I also like saying homey don't play dat.)
Having a girlfriend does have its good points, I get laid more often and I" well" no, that pisses me off" hmmm" she does do that one thing" wait, no she doesn't do that anymore" at least I got my cable back.
1. Mindy has a new column out, so check that out.
2. HOTLINKS, JERK!