We've all been there. (No, I'm not talking about Florida, silly!) We walk into class and realize somebody in there is attractive! Imagine that! Somebody good-looking of the opposite sex, taking the same class as you! It's fate! But how do you move from a stalker to a loving, devoted husband, and father of four? Follow these tips, thats how! (I kinda was talking about Florida though
StepONE: Sit next to him/her! The first key is to "accidentally" sit next to that person. Usually hot people don't like sitting next to normal, uglier people, and so there is often an empty chair next to them. Try these simple yet effective opening phrases: "Hey is that seat open?" or "OhmIgod, you you so good lookin i wanna stick my tongue in ur mouf" or "Is anybody sitting there?" These are all very easy to pronounce conversation starters.
StepTWO: Initiate conversation. Try to begin talking to the person before class starts, because you suck at whispering. Yes you do. Shut up. In order to ensure a somewhat long conversation, you'll have to broach a subject that both of you can relate to: the teacher. "So whatdyou think about Mr. Zanfussen?" Never offer your opinion first because it might differ from theirs, and you'll have to agree with them at all costs. "Ugh yeah! Me too! I agree with that sentiment 110%. Oh I know thats a statistical impossibility, it's just a figure of speech."
StepTHREE: Initiate outside of classroom contact. No relationship can last solely inside of a classroom. In order to tongue kiss you'll have to get that person outside of the classroom and into your heart. Suggest a social event that they might be interested in.
"There's a rape-themed party at my frat this weekend, if you arent too busy " or "My sorority is throwing a rape-themed formal this weekend, if you wanna come you can." I bet your wondering, "Does the social event have to be rape-themed?" and the answer is unfortunately 'yes.' : (
StepFOUR: Tell them you've used steps one through three in order to woo them. They'll be all like "No shit, I read collegehumor too mutha fucka!" and you'll be all "Naw you dih-ent! Naw you dih-ent!" and they be all like "Trick pleaz, sun!" and you be all like "You mispelled 'please' and 'son.' " And they'll be like "I'm sorry. I get super nervous at rape-themed parties" and you should understand. It's a really threatening environment, and most in-school friends get somewhat apprehensive during out-of-school functions. Take it easy on the other person, and try to act yourself. Nobody likes a phony!
StepFIVE: Consummate the marriage. If you've followed steps 1-4 correctly, and you're a God-Fearing Christian, then you have no doubt exchanged vows by now, and its time to have sex. Take out your genitals and match them up with the other person's. After the two-piece puzzle is complete, a family is born! In order to repeat, just add nauseum.
There you have it folks! Five easy tips for dating my teenage daughter! Join me next week as I discuss common household items and how they work, in my article entitled, "Chapstick/Gluestick, what's the difference!?"
Neel has his OC Review column out, so check that. Also check these hotlinks and have a nerdtastic weekend